Biden “Committing 100%” to Adventist NEWSTART Program in Prep for Next Debate

US President Joe Biden has reportedly embraced the Seventh-day Adventist NEWSTART health program to prepare for his next debate. Following his recent debate performance that left Democrats concerned, Read more […]

Trump Insists on ‘Haystack-Building’ Competition to Demonstrate Problem-Solving Skills in Presidential Debate

In a move that has left both political pundits and culinary enthusiasts hungrier, former President Donald Trump has insisted that the upcoming presidential debate include a “haystack-building” competition Read more […]

Trump Promises To Build Wall Around Adventist Subdivision In Heaven

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Election Day looms, the Trump and Biden campaigns are appealing to voters of all stripes in an attempt to woo them. Both candidates are scraping the barrel when it comes Read more […]

Trump Considering Presidential Pardon For Carob Chip Cookie Creator

WASHINGTON, D.C. ā€”- President Donald Trump is considering issuing a highly controversial pardon for Degu Tant, the infamous creator of the carob chip cookie. Tant was locked up decades ago Read more […]

Trump, Biden Commit To Singing “Kumbaya” Together At Start Of Next Debate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After the unmitigated disaster that was the first US Presidential Debate, both President Donald Trump and Former Vice President Joe Biden have committed to a duet at the Read more […]

Adventists: “Raptured” Evangelical Really Just Snatched By Federal Agents

PORTLAND, Ore. — Adventists in the Pacfic Northwest have done their honest part to point out that local Evangelical, Agah Peh, widely assumed to have been raptured yesterday, had simply been snatched Read more […]

Trump promises to slash price of haystacks guac/salsa in half with US-Mexico trade deal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump hailed an “incredible” new trade deal with Mexico today and surprised Adventists, in particular, by saying that the deal would, “make Ben Carson’s people Read more […]

Carson: “Cruz’s non-endorsement of Trump is biggest insult since GC rejected Women’s Ordination”

CLEVELAND, Ohio — Former presidential candidate Ben Carson had strong words to describe Ted Cruz’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump for president yesterday. “Cruz’s non-endorsement of Donald Read more […]

Trump cheers “terrific” Brexit, wants to invest in Newbold College

BERKSHIRE, England — In a surprise visit hours before arriving in Scotland for the opening of the Trump Turnberry golf resort, Donald Trump toured the campus of Newbold College. Standing Read more […]

Trump to ban Adventists from outsourcing baptisms to other countries

NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a rare policy speech this morning, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump vowed to stop the Seventh-day Adventist Church from outsourcing its baptisms to countries outside Read more […]