Trump Insists on ‘Haystack-Building’ Competition to Demonstrate Problem-Solving Skills in Presidential Debate

In a move that has left both political pundits and culinary enthusiasts hungrier, former President Donald Trump has insisted that the upcoming presidential debate include a “haystack-building” competition Read more […]

Trump Promises To Build Wall Around Adventist Subdivision In Heaven

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Election Day looms, the Trump and Biden campaigns are appealing to voters of all stripes in an attempt to woo them. Both candidates are scraping the barrel when it comes Read more […]

Trump Claims US is Going to Hell, Adventists Respond: ‘We Told You So’

In a recent speech, former President Donald Trump claimed that the US is “going to hell”, sparking a wave of responses from Adventists who believe that this is exactly what they have been predicting Read more […]

Church Leadership Vows Not To Give Up Positions As Easily As Trump Let Go Of His

SILVER SPRING, Md. – General Conference leaders along with their regional counterparts around the world have released a joint statement expressing disappointment at how little of a fight they Read more […]

Trump Attacks China With Choice EGW Quotes

UN TV WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has used a brand new weapon in his ongoing war of words and trade with China: Ellen G. White quotations. Trump prefaced his recent UN General Read more […]

GC San Antonio Voting Tech To Rescue US Election

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Foolproof voting tech guaranteed to prevent any kind of foul play or delay in results has been identified to rescue the US general election from voter fraud. The General Read more […]

Supreme Court Rules Trump Must Produce Tithing Receipts

WASHINGTON, D.C. — US Supreme Court justices have unanimously ruled President Donald Trump needs to come clean on his tithing records. In the decision, justices insisted they want to see Read more […]

Trump Eating Nothing But Haystacks To Boost Coronavirus Resistance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reporters at today’s White House press briefing were notified that President Donald Trump has taken to exclusively eating haystacks to boost his resistance to COVID-19 infection. In Read more […]

Worship Committee Votes To Impeach Church Drummer

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This evening the Worship Committee of Joyful House Fellowship voted to impeach the congregation’s senior drummer, Des Masiado. The vote brought to a close a months-long Read more […]

Trump Cancels Halloween After Hearing Adventist Case For Harvest Festivals

USA – Halloween is canceled. President Trump issued an executive order nixing the holiday after hearing enough Adventists make the case for Harvest Festivals. Instead of dressing up in scary costumes Read more […]