Trump Promises To Build Wall Around Adventist Subdivision In Heaven

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Election Day looms, the Trump and Biden campaigns are appealing to voters of all stripes in an attempt to woo them. Both candidates are scraping the barrel when it comes to Read more […]

Trump Eating Nothing But Haystacks To Boost Coronavirus Resistance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reporters at today’s White House press briefing were notified that President Donald Trump has taken to exclusively eating haystacks to boost his resistance to COVID-19 infection. In Read more […]

Trump Cancels Halloween After Hearing Adventist Case For Harvest Festivals

USA – Halloween is canceled. President Trump issued an executive order nixing the holiday after hearing enough Adventists make the case for Harvest Festivals. Instead of dressing up in scary costumes Read more […]

Trump Calls On America To “Give Big Franks A Try On The 4th Of July”

  WASHINGTON DC – US President Donald Trump used his much anticipated 4th of July address to call for unity and reform in how America eats on Independence Day. Speaking above the roar Read more […]

Biblical Research Institute: Unclear if Government Will Reopen Before Second Coming

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Biblical Research Institute announced this morning that three weeks of intense study had led the team to conclude that it was unclear what would come first: the reopening Read more […]