Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Adventist Music

Church Sound Team Adds Subliminal “Tithe Now” Message to Hymn Instrumentals

In a groundbreaking stewardship initiative, the sound team at Oakridge Seventh-day Adventist Church has reportedly embedded subliminal messages into their instrumental hymn tracks, causing an unexpected surge in tithe...

Adventist Review Accidentally Prints Taylor Swift’s Tour Schedule Instead of Camp Meeting Dates

In a surprising mix-up that has Adventists everywhere checking their calendars, the Adventist Review's latest issue mistakenly published Taylor Swift's "The Eras Tour" schedule...

Worship Team Tryouts: May the Best Diva Win

Attention, Perfection Sanctuary Church! Are you ready to take your worship game to the next level? We are excited to announce our upcoming Worship Team...

Congregation Suffers Hearing Loss as Deaconess Insists on Singing Hymns in Piercing Soprano

Sister Amy Whitfield, renowned for her zeal and commitment as a deaconess, led the song service at Balm of Gilead SDA in what can...

Wannabe Heritage Singers Restarting Special Music For Third Time

An awkward scene played out at the Pineview Seventh-day Adventist Church last Sabbath, as the special music group struggled mightily through an ambitious a...

7 Places Adventists Could Use More Cowbell

As the famous Saturday Night Live skit taught us, there's no such thing as too much cowbell. And as Adventists, we seem to have...

Old-Timer Prays for Jesus to Return Before Those “Dang Hippie Youngsters” Lead Praise Again

The usually peaceful Polkadot Plains Adventist Church was the scene of mild commotion this Sabbath, as 73-year-old Ethel Rutabaga reportedly delayed potluck with a...

NAD Declares “Pray For Jon Bon Jovi’s Vocal Cords Day”

SILVER SPRING, MD - The North American Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has declared next Saturday as the first annual "Pray For Jon...

Absolutely Nobody Felt Like Learning New Praise Song

“Good morning CHURCH!! We’ve got a real treat for you this morning. It’s a brand new song we’re going to learn! Can I have...

New Rule: Adventists That Can’t Play An Instrument Must Seek Rebaptism

Non-musical Adventists will need to re-enter the watery grave thanks to new guidance from the GC department of music compliance. The rationale for the new...

Tone-deaf Special Music Soloist Strikes Fear Into Hearts of Church Members as He Promises to Sing for Third Sabbath in a Row

Chalkboard, Mich. — Members of Flat Note Seventh-day Adventist Church are bracing themselves for yet another special music by their tone-deaf soloist (and only willing...