New Rule: Adventists That Can’t Play An Instrument Must Seek Rebaptism

Non-musical Adventists will need to re-enter the watery grave thanks to new guidance from the GC department of music compliance. The rationale for the new rule is that members that don’t play Read more […]

Tone-deaf Special Music Soloist Strikes Fear Into Hearts of Church Members as He Promises to Sing for Third Sabbath in a Row

Chalkboard, Mich. — Members of Flat Note Seventh-day Adventist Church are bracing themselves for yet another special music by their tone-deaf soloist (and only willing special music provider) Read more […]

“Come, Thou Long Expected Conference Session” and Other Very Adventist Hymn Names

Ah, Adventist hymns. The perfect way to lull yourself into a peaceful Sabbath afternoon nap (or get riled up for that evangelistic campaign.) Here are some of our favorite Adventist hymn names (with Read more […]

Kanye Announces Atlanta Adventist Academy Listening Event

ATLANTA, Ga. – Fresh off another Donda listening event in Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium, rapper/fashion designer Kanye West announced that ahead of his yet-to-be-released album, he wants to Read more […]

“Jesus Loves The Little Children” Finally Recognized As Racist

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist Sabbath Schools will no longer sing the chorus ‘Jesus Loves The Little Children’ after what relieved members have described as a long-overdue acknowledgement Read more […]

Area Adventist Kicked Out Of Zoom Church For Clapping

BOOMBOX, Mich. — Local Adventist Brent Krisma is on the hunt for a new online church service after last Sabbath’s broadcast from his home congregation went sideways. Krisma had been so moved Read more […]

Worship Committee Votes To Impeach Church Drummer

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This evening the Worship Committee of Joyful House Fellowship voted to impeach the congregation’s senior drummer, Des Masiado. The vote brought to a close a months-long Read more […]

BLACKPINK Releases “Favorite Adventist Hymns” Album

SEOUL, Korea — Fresh off the news that their music video Ddu-Du Ddu-Du was the first K-pop video to reach 1 billion views on YouTube, South Korean girl group BLACKPINK has announced that their Read more […]