Adventist Review Accidentally Prints Taylor Swift’s Tour Schedule Instead of Camp Meeting Dates

In a surprising mix-up that has Adventists everywhere checking their calendars, the Adventist Review’s latest issue mistakenly published Taylor Swift’s “The Eras Tour” schedule instead of the annual Read more […]

Congregation Suffers Hearing Loss as Deaconess Insists on Singing Hymns in Piercing Soprano

Sister Amy Whitfield, renowned for her zeal and commitment as a deaconess, led the song service at Balm of Gilead SDA in what can only be described as an operatic soprano that shattered eardrums Read more […]

Wannabe Heritage Singers Restarting Special Music For Third Time

An awkward scene played out at the Pineview Seventh-day Adventist Church last Sabbath, as the special music group struggled mightily through an ambitious a cappella rendition of the classic “I’m Read more […]

7 Places Adventists Could Use More Cowbell

As the famous Saturday Night Live skit taught us, there’s no such thing as too much cowbell. And as Adventists, we seem to have missed the memo on the gospel truth of more cowbell making everything Read more […]

Old-Timer Prays for Jesus to Return Before Those “Dang Hippie Youngsters” Lead Praise Again

The usually peaceful Polkadot Plains Adventist Church was the scene of mild commotion this Sabbath, as 73-year-old Ethel Rutabaga reportedly delayed potluck with a dramatic prayer for Jesus to Read more […]

NAD Declares “Pray For Jon Bon Jovi’s Vocal Cords Day”

SILVER SPRING, MD – The North American Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has declared next Saturday as the first annual “Pray For Jon Bon Jovi’s Vocal Cords Day.” All Adventists across Read more […]

Absolutely Nobody Felt Like Learning New Praise Song

“Good morning CHURCH!! We’ve got a real treat for you this morning. It’s a brand new song we’re going to learn! Can I have an Amen?” yelled an overexcited Ben Hilson as he took to the Read more […]

New Rule: Adventists That Can’t Play An Instrument Must Seek Rebaptism

Non-musical Adventists will need to re-enter the watery grave thanks to new guidance from the GC department of music compliance. The rationale for the new rule is that members that don’t play Read more […]

Tone-deaf Special Music Soloist Strikes Fear Into Hearts of Church Members as He Promises to Sing for Third Sabbath in a Row

Chalkboard, Mich. — Members of Flat Note Seventh-day Adventist Church are bracing themselves for yet another special music by their tone-deaf soloist (and only willing special music provider) Read more […]