Congregation Suffers Hearing Loss as Deaconess Insists on Singing Hymns in Piercing Soprano

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Sister Amy Whitfield, renowned for her zeal and commitment as a deaconess, led the song service at Balm of Gilead SDA in what can only be described as an operatic soprano that shattered eardrums and spirits alike last Sabbath.

Witnesses report that the ordeal began promptly at 11:00 a.m., when Sister Whitfield, armed with her hymnal and an overabundance of enthusiasm, launched into “Holy, Holy, Holy.” Within moments, parishioners in the first few rows were seen clutching their ears, grimacing in what one member described as “a mix of spiritual ecstasy and physical agony.”

“It’s not that we don’t appreciate her enthusiasm,” said Brother Samuel Jenkins, who was seated in the direct line of fire. “But when she hit that high note in ‘It Is Well with My Soul,’ I’m pretty sure I lost all hearing in my right ear. At one point, I thought the windows were going to shatter.”

The service took an unexpected turn when Pastor Davis, noticing the growing discomfort, discreetly tried to signal Sister Whitfield to perhaps tone it down a notch. Undeterred, she mistook his gestures as encouragement, crescendoing into what some have dubbed “The Note Heard ‘Round the World.”

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Deacon Brown, who was stationed at the back. “I was getting texts from people in the foyer asking if there was a fire drill or if the roof was collapsing. Turns out it was just Marjorie hitting that F6.”

In the aftermath, a number of congregants sought medical attention, with the local urgent care reporting an influx of patients complaining of tinnitus and temporary hearing loss. While no permanent damage was reported, the church has decided to invest in earplugs for those seated in the first five rows.


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