USA – Halloween is canceled. President Trump issued an executive order nixing the holiday after hearing enough Adventists make the case for Harvest Festivals.
Instead of dressing up in scary costumes and going trick-or-treating, the executive order calls on all Americans to go door-to-door collecting kosher cans for their local Dorcas society.
In addition, Trump urged the country to spend October 31st not dancing to live (sacred) music while enjoying pony rides, non-gambly raffles and biblical balloon art.
The health conscious also have the option to head down to their local Adventist church for free blood pressure checks, a NEWSTART lecture and fake coffee.