SCANDAL: Researcher Discovers EGW Favored Doritos Over Fritos In Haystacks

SILVER SPRING, Md. —— General Conference senior leadership rushed into an emergency meeting this morning after a researcher at the White Estate forwarded a memo claiming “irrefutable evidence Read more […]

Revealed: Daniel And Three Friends Rejected Nebuchadnezzar’s Food To Feast On Haystacks

ANCIENT BABYLON — Earlier today, the Biblical Research Institute unveiled findings regarding the special diet of Daniel and his three friends after they asked to be excused from eating Nebuchadnezzar’s Read more […]

FDA recommends haystacks as “most balanced meal in America” (OBG)

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rolled out a new set of recommendations for healthy eating. At the top of its list of recommended meals is what the agency Read more […]

Michelle Obama launches Friday Night Haystacks as White House tradition

WASHINGTON, D.C. — First Lady Michelle Obama launched the latest upgrade to her Let’s Move healthy lifestyle campaign this morning with an announcement of a new Friday Night Haystacks tradition Read more […]

Adventist Church: Sabbath potlucks must feature 28 dishes

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a rare potluck-related church policy statement, the General Conference has issued strict orders to Seventh-day Adventist churches worldwide regarding their potluck dish Read more […]

Taco Bell grants Adventist request, rebrands taco salad as “haystacks”

IRVINE, Calif. — In a move celebrated by Seventh-day Adventist Taco Bell-lovers across the United States, the fast-food chain has agreed to a longstanding Adventists request to rebrand all of Read more […]

Ted Wilson’s email scrutinized amid allegations he exposed haystacks secrets

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Seventh-day Adventist World Headquarters was completely aflutter today at the news that General Conference President Ted Wilson could face disciplinary action for questionable Read more […]

Haystacks fans horrified as GC delegates name Special K Loaf “only Adventist staple”

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Panicked shrieks and an as-of-yet unconfirmed tally of fall injuries greeted a vote by stone-cold General Conference Session delegates to crown Special K Loaf as the “only Read more […]

Sharp rise in cost of haystack chips forces cancellation of Oshkosh Pathfinder Camporee

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — For the first time in the event’s history, the International Pathfinder Camporee held in Oshkosh, Wisconsin has been canceled over a supplies issue. Plans for Read more […]