Picture This: 11 Adventist Buzzkills

 

Joy can be found in many things, in many places.

These are not those things. These are not those places.

 

11.) Potluck is cancelled

You’ve waited months to gather with people again, tolerated the social distancing, endured the extra-long sermon. Now it’s time to try Uncle Sal’s Special K Loaf and savor Auntie Rita’s ambrosia…wait, what???  No potluck!!! ::crying face emoji:: ::crying face emoji::  ::crying face emoji::

 

10.) Cold baptismal water

This is it: The most profound moment of your life.  The eyes of the people you know and love are all on you. Everyone is expectant and hopeful. You smile radiantly and step into the water—and immediately yank your foot back out.

Smiles fall, gasps are heard.

You bravely step forward again into the butt-clenchingly cold water and think, “Huh. I guess it is like death after all.”

 

9.) Plain crackers instead of unleavened bread

Yeah, we get that it’s easier to just buy that package of disgusting cardboard that’s passing for food, but c’mon! Isn’t it enough that we’ve just had to wash someone else’s stank feet?

Communion only happens once every 13 Sabbaths. Get to baking already.

 

8.) Singing “Ring-a-ling-a-ling” without bells

Why?

Just— WHY?!?

 

7.) Out-of-tune Special Music

We’re torn on this one. On one hand: possible onset of migraines and bleeding from the ears, feeling shame for the participant AND yourself. But on the other hand: unmitigated, unbridled laughter.

 

6.) When the pastor says, “One more thing…” and they’ve already been speaking for more than 45 minutes

It’s hard to imagine that the speaker will say something truly groundbreaking at this point; that somehow, they had forgotten to make that mind-blowing point that would forever alter people’s lives until JUST THEN. 

But don’t worry, there’s hope: after about the 1 hour 15 min. mark, you sorta slide into a stupor.

 

5.) Adventist Banquets

Adventist banquets don’t actually start off all that bad: there’s the initial excitement about who to ask/who asked you,  coordinating outfit colors with your date, the thrill of finding a formal outfit that’s fashionable but still looks like Ellen G. White would have worn it.

But then you get to the actual banquet.

If you’re lucky, it’s at a hotel/reasonably nice restaurant. If you’re not: it’s an Adventist hospital cafeteria  or an Adventist Elementary School’s gym. 

And the entertainment? At best, it’s a Bible-based magician. *At best.*

 

4.) Using tortilla chips instead of Fritos for Haystacks.

That’s just—No.

A HARD NO.

FOREVER.

 

3.) Parking lot duty

What a thankless job. You know no one is going to listen to you. You know. They’re just going to wait until your back is turned and park in the handicapped parking space anyway. And yeah, they are laughing at you in your flourescent vest.

 

2.) Ingathering

We don’t know for whom it’s worse: the people going out there to ask for money, or the people you’re asking money from. On both sides there’s lots of stomach-roiling anxiety, wishes to be anywhere else and grasping at straws for reasonable justifications. 

 

1.) Church Work Bees

UGH. Church Work Bees. They’re always initiated by people who say things like, “Don’t you think the church would look better like this?” and “Don’t you want the church to look nice?” And then they spend most of the Work Bee lollygagging around or “supervising” and chatting in corners with their friends while YOU end up doing most of the hard, heavy labor. Who cares what color the church bathroom walls are, anyway?! UGH. Church Work Bees.

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