Altar Call Length Doubled To Make Up For Time Lost During COVID

SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Office of Quality Assurance has announced that, as churches start to open up for in-person services, altar call will need to be twice as long.

“COVID has meant that we’ve lost valuable face-to-face time that could have been used for things like altar calls that don’t work half as well over a shaky Zoom connection,” said the office in a worldwide memo.

Quality Assurance has instructed pastors to do whatever it takes to prolong altar calls to make up for lost time.

Suggestions for killing time include using every known stanza of favorite hymns as opposed to going with the first and last, repeatedly calling for “just one more” person to come up front, announcing that the doors are locked, calling people out by name, reading from the Seventh-day Adventist Yearbook and telling people you’ve “got all night.”

“If you’ve done all the above and are still under time, you can always just rinse and repeat,” suggested the memo.

 


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