Silver Spring, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has taken steps to ensure his vision remains unchallenged by implanting Neuralink chips in the brains of all GC employees. The move aims to improve compliance and eliminate any pesky diversity of thought within the organization.
“As the chips establish a direct connection between Elder Wilson’s brain and those of our employees, dissent and disagreement will be things of the past,” explained a memo accompanying the chip implant appointment slip.
Wilson reassured employees that the implantation process would be entirely painless and voluntary. “Of course, it’s entirely up to you if you want to have this chip implanted. But let me remind you that compliance and unity are core values for all employees on payroll.”
The move has sparked debates among Adventists worldwide, with some suggesting that the Neuralink initiative undermines the church’s commitment to freedom of expression and the direction of the Holy Spirit.
In response to these criticisms, Wilson chuckled and said, “Oh, there’s still room for diversity within the organization. As long as it aligns with the vision of committees I personally chair.”