Loma Linda No Longer Blue Zone After Retired Church Administrators Move In, Ruin Life Expectancy

“Support the BarelyAdventist team by joining our Patreon community or leaving a PayPal tip - it means the world to us.”


LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Long the jewel in the Adventist lifestyle crown, Loma Linda has suffered a dramatic fall from grace due to the torrential influx of retired church administrators moving to the community for their golden years.

Until recently, Loma Linda was America’s only “Blue Zone” — a part of the world where people routinely live about a decade longer than average.

“These church administrators keep dropping like flies as soon as they move in,” complained proud, lifelong resident Edith Greenley, herself a centenarian. “Not only does this make it almost impossible to find someone recently-widowed to date but all this early expiration is really bringing down the side in terms of life expectancy.”

In hopes of restoring their status as a Blue Zone, Loma Linda authorities have used public funds to advertise Berrien Springs in denominational magazines as “a near-tropical place in the sun perfect for retiring church administrators.”


SPONSORED LINKS

You’ve had your fix of satire. Now head over to Adventist Today for current events updates, analysis and opinion on all things Adventist.

.

(Visited 494 times, 1 visits today)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *