All Adventist prayers to feature King James English

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — English-speaking Adventists around the world have been instructed to only use King James English when praying.

Church leaders explained that exclusive use of the 17th century King James Version dialect in prayer would make prayers in Adventist churches sound “way more legit.”

“Half of our members already tend to slip into King James English whenever they pray in private or public,” said GC Unity Enforcement spokesperson Todos Juntos. “It’s about time we got everybody on the same page.”

Juntos added that despite the fact that the King James Version is confusing and dated, there was “something about 400-year-old English that sounds way more spiritual than winging prayers The Message-style.”

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