iPhone 14 Updates Your Mother On Your Progress Finding Nice Adventist Date

Good news! Thanks to the wonders of over-priced technology, you mom will no longer need to ask you if you’ve found that special Adventist somebody. The iPhone 14 will simply send her a weekly Read more […]

Breaking: Facebook Allowed Adventist Mom To Spy On Millennial Son

WASHINGTON, D.C. —- Calls for action against Facebook intensified on Capitol Hill today with the bombshell revelation that an overly-involved Adventist mom has been using the social media platform Read more […]

Parents Beg Still-At-Home Son To Go Forth And Multiply

BRACKNELL, Berks. — The Browns have prayed for years for their son Mark to get a life and get out of their house. But three years after getting an English Literature degree, the call center Read more […]

Adventist moms celebrated for great job raising children, husband

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist families celebrating Mother’s Day are praising their mothers for the selfless, unending work they do year after year as they patiently train up their children … Read more […]

Adventist parents breathe sigh of relief as Justin Timberlake performs wardrobe malfunction-free Super Bowl halftime show

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Adventist parents across the United States breathed a collective sigh of relief as Justin Timberlake concluded his Super Bowl halftime show last night without a single wardrobe Read more […]

Adventist preacher introductions must clarify whether visiting speaker is single or taken

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist congregations around the world have been ordered to provide what church administrators call a “vital morsel of information” about visiting preachers. Any such Read more […]

Pregnancy scan tells Adventists if their baby will be a pastor, teacher or medical professional

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventist couples expecting babies have crashed registration sites for a new kind of pregnancy scan. The Sabatistascan allows Adventist parents to know with 99% certainty Read more […]

Report: Adventist inbreeding results in genetic weakness for haystacks

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Researchers at Loma Linda University’s School of Public Health have detected a genetic weakness in multigenerational Adventists that renders them “defenseless against the Read more […]