Members Plead for Ceasefire Between Adventism’s Liberal and Conservative Theologians

ADVENTIST WORLD – A growing chorus of regular members has issued a desperate plea for peace between the Adventist denomination’s warring theological factions.

“Listen, we appreciate all the passionate debates about the nature of Ellen White’s writings and the appropriate length of sideburns,” sighed Mildred Peters, a member of the Binfield Adventist Church for over 30 years. “But frankly, most of us are just trying to get through the week with as little drama as possible.”

Peters’ sentiment was echoed by fellow church member Harold Finch, who lamented the endless theological spats that dominate potluck conversations and Wednesday night Bible studies. “Look, I just want to know if it’s okay to finally spring for that new toaster oven without the permission of the stewardship compliance committee,” Finch said. “Is that too much to ask?”

The conflict between liberal and conservative theologians within Adventism has been a source of amusement and frustration for regular members for decades. Debates rage over everything from male headship, to the appropriate attire for church picnics (pro-sundress versus anti-ankle-bracelet) to the proper way to interpret the prophetic pronouncements of Mrs. White (literal fire and brimstone versus metaphorical spiritual awakening).

“We get it, Brenda,” said Peters, rolling her eyes. “You think the NAD music director is secretly leading us all down the path to Roman Catholicism with that new praise chorus that has three whole chords. But can we maybe table that for, like, ever, and focus on the fact that the church basement is leaking again?”

Calls for a ceasefire have grown louder in recent months as the theological bickering has begun to overshadow the core tenets of the Adventist faith. Many regular members worry that the constant infighting is alienating potential converts and making existing members question their sanity.

“Look, we all believe in the imminent return of Christ,” said Finch. “But maybe, just maybe, before He rolls up, we could focus on, you know, actually being decent human beings to each other? Just a thought.”


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