My 10 Failed Adventist Dates

Ugh. Adventist dating is rough, y’all. Let me tell you about the month from dating hell I just escaped. Ten. Whole. Dates. And what did I get for my troubles? A sunburn from that picnic date (dude, sunscreen is a commandment!), a questionable casserole recipe (courtesy of his grandma, bless her heart), and instantly forgettable wilderness survival tips.

Here’s the breakdown of my dating decathlon:

Date #1: Sweet guy, but spent the entire time talking about the evils of social media. Pass.

Date #2: Turns out his “love for nature” meant trying to convert me to veganism on the first date. Sorry, buddy, I like my veggie burgers with a side of cheese (sue me!).

Dates 3-7: A blur of awkward silences, forced conversations about mission trips, and the ever-present question: “So, how’s your tithe paying going?”

Date #8: The “healthy living” enthusiast. He lectured me about the dangers of refined sugar while chugging a protein shake the consistency of Elmer’s glue. Hard pass.

Dates 9 & 10: Two different guys who unironically used the phrase “Alpha Prepper.” Need I say more?

Look, I’m not saying there aren’t great Adventist guys out there. There probably are. But finding them feels like searching for the Holy Grail… while blindfolded… and hangry.


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