GC: Uber Not Viable End Times Escape Plan
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference leadership of the church has warned members not to plan on booking an Uber to escape to the wilderness in the Time of Trouble. “Not only will Read more […]
Bathroom Breaks Banned During Offering
ADVENTIST WORLD — In a bid to revive flagging offering tallies, Church leaders have banned bathroom breaks during offering appeals and collections. “It seems Adventist bladders always fill Read more […]
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Walter Veith to Reveal Year of Second Coming at GC Session
ADVENTIST WORLD — The wait will soon be over for Walter Veith fans that need clarity on the approximate date of Christ’s Second Coming. The internet ministry personality promises to reveal Read more […]
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Women’s Ordination Debate Generates Enough Heat to Replace Fossil Fuels
ADVENTIST WORLD — Skyrocketing gas and oil prices are forcing people to look at alternative sources of energy to heat their homes. Energy researchers say Adventists are incredibly fortunate Read more […]
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Musk Announces Plans to Buy General Conference
BOCA CHICA, Texas — The world’s richest man has recently taken an interest in the Adventist Church. Elon Musk became fascinated with the denomination after watching The Record Keeper, a Read more […]
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GC: La Sierra-Based Baptisms Require Redo Elsewhere
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A flood of rebaptisms is expected to hit Southern California after a GC edict released earlier today requiring anyone baptized on or near the La Sierra University campus, Read more […]
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Pastor Suing British Union Conference for Making Him Work on Sabbath
WATFORD, Herts. — A stressed out, nearly-ordained pastor has filed a religious discrimination lawsuit against the British Union Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. The Adventist minister claims Read more […]
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Bad Driver’s Guardian Angel On Stress Leave
HEAVEN — After enduring several traffic close calls this week due to the horrendous driving of his 25-year-old protectee, guardian angel Passencius filed for stress leave this morning. “Brad Read more […]
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Chimarrão Revealed As Secret to Adventist Growth in Brazil
BRAZIL — After a decade-long study of both the practical and philosophical underpinnings of Adventist church growth in Brazil, a team of Andrews University researchers have concluded that chimarrão, Read more […]
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Church to Introduce Entrance for Introverts – No Greeters
ADVENTIST WORLD – Hot-breath “Happy Sabbaths” and COVID-transmitting handshakes are turning off introverts that just want to be left alone when they come to church on Sabbath morning. After Read more […]
