Local Saint Begins Every Day Praying for God to Smite Her Enemies

In a stunning display of faith and passive aggression, a local woman has taken up a new morning ritual that has everyone at her local Adventist congregation watching their back. Meet Susan McDivine, Read more […]

Guy Who Never Goes to Church Turns Up To Business Meeting

Some guy who has never actually been seen at church suddenly turned up at business meeting this afternoon with a burning desire to assert his authority over the most critical aspects of ministry Read more […]

Conference President Aggressively Marketing Problem Pastors to Foreign Mission Fields

In an epiphany at the end of a long day of meetings last year, Troubled Waters Conference President Max Trabajo decided he’d had enough of having to deal with the most difficult pastors in his Read more […]

Old Testament Literalist Pumped About Bringing Back Stoning

A self-professed Bible scholar and occasional Wilderness SDA usher known locally as “Rock-Hurling Randy” is convinced that society has gone astray from its righteous roots and is determined Read more […]

Delegate Threatens to Repeatedly Send Rival’s Name Back To Committee Until He Himself is Elected Conference President

“I hope you guys weren’t planning on getting any other business done this session ‘cause I am sending this back to committee,” declared a crazy-eyed delegate nobody had ever heard of at Read more […]

Greek-speaking Widow Leaves 1-Star Review For Early Church Potluck

Jerusalem – Sister Demetria, a Greek-speaking widow, has sent shockwaves through the early Christian community by leaving a scathing one-star review of a recent church potluck. In the review Read more […]

Nobody Allowed To Leave Church Fellowship Hall Until Someone Confesses to Smuggled-In Fried Chicken

Whispers and murmurs of suspicion spread like wildfire through the fellowship hall of Daily Manna Seventh-Day Adventist Church as the intoxicating aroma of crispy, golden-brown chicken filled the Read more […]

Pastor Moves House To Undisclosed Location So Members Can’t Bug Him

Pastor Gunnar Meesing of Everpresent Adventist Church went through the trouble of moving with his family to a completely secret new address this week. The stressed out pastor had confessed to Read more […]

Baptism Embargo In Place Until Next Crusade

Organizers of a conference-wide evangelistic campaign taking place next summer have announced a year-long “Baptism Embargo” until the big event. The embargo, they claim, is essential to ensure a Read more […]