FAITHFUL: Local Adventist Labels Every CDC Recommendation A Religious Liberty Denial

ADVENTIST WORLD — Local Adventist Bill Miller has spent the last several months on social media in a bold crusade against the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Regardless of what Read more […]

Fundamental Beliefs Back Down To 27 Due To Budget Cuts

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders have decided to condense the steadily-growing number of denominational fundamental beliefs to 27 in response to a push to slash budgets. “We realize Read more […]

Defunded Campus Security Departments Auction Off Whistles

ADVENTIST WORLD — Freshly-defunded campus security departments at Adventist institutions worldwide are holding a joint whistle auction to inject new life into their budgets. The auction Read more […]

Elon Musk To Send Student Missionaries To International Space Station

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Following the news SpaceX has safely brought NASA astronauts to the International Space Station and back, company CEO Elon Musk has announced he will be sending up student Read more […]

Pathfinder Department Bankrupt From All The Jetpack Honor Accident Lawsuits

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SILVER SPRING, Md. — It is with heavy hearts that we announce the bankruptcy of the Pathfinder Department exactly one week after the unfortunate launch of our latest Read more […]

Adventists: “Raptured” Evangelical Really Just Snatched By Federal Agents

PORTLAND, Ore. — Adventists in the Pacfic Northwest have done their honest part to point out that local Evangelical, Agah Peh, widely assumed to have been raptured yesterday, had simply been snatched Read more […]

No News Is Good News: It’s Been A While Since Women’s Ordination Has Been In Adventist News So It’s Safe To Assume It’s All Been Solved By Now

Over the last few months, nobody’s been saying much about women’s ordination. We’re guessing that’s because we Adventists have officially worked the whole thing out. Who knew we had it in us Read more […]