Monday, November 4, 2024
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Trump Dons High-Vis Vest, Vows to ‘Clean Up Tremendous Piles of Great Controversy Books’ From American Cities”

In a dramatic campaign appearance that left Adventist leaders scrambling for response, former President Donald Trump appeared at a Wisconsin rally wearing a fluorescent safety vest and promised to...

Local Adventist Finally Admits Cookie Binge Was His Own Fault, Not Satan’s

In a groundbreaking moment of personal accountability, local church member Brad Thompson has publicly acknowledged that his recent demolition of an entire batch of his wife's freshly-baked chocolate chip...

Adventist Baby’s First Words: “Happy Sabbath!”

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — In a stunning display of spiritual precocity, 6-month-old Jedediah Remnant stunned his parents and pediatrician by uttering the words "Happy Sabbath!" as his very first words. The auspicious...

Conspiracy Theorist Claims Illuminati Created Oreos to Undermine Adventist Health Message

Sawtooth, Tenn. - Conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed health message expert Soy Lent claims to have uncovered a secret plot by the Illuminati to undermine...

Study Reveals Favorite Adventist Hymn is Closing Hymn

A new study has revealed the favorite hymn among Seventh-day Adventists is whichever one happens to be the closing hymn that Sabbath. Researchers surveyed...

GC Nominating Committee Suggesting More Candidates for US Presidency

The General Conference Nominating Committee announced today that they are putting forth additional Adventist candidates for the 2024 US presidential race. "After the runaway success...

Marriage On Rocks Due to Clashing Sabbath Dishwashing Beliefs

It all began innocently enough when both Sam and Lily Thompson stumbled into their kitchen and found themselves knee-deep in a festive seven-layered mess...

Adventist Culture

Local Pastor’s Sermon on Patience Interrupted by Impatient Congregation

Pastor John Longwind's sermon on the virtue of patience...

Newbold College Adds ‘Coping with Football Disappointment’ to Theology Curriculum

In a bold move following England's heartbreaking loss to...

Loma Linda Scientists Create Vegan Substitute So Realistic, Vegans Refuse to Eat It

Researchers at Loma Linda University's School of Public Health...

Adventist Food

8 Adventist-Approved Pick-Up Lines That Are Guaranteed to Fail

Looking for love in all the wrong pews? Fear...

Adventist Book Center Caught Selling ‘Da Vinci Code’ in Plain Brown Wrappers

The "Zion's Outpost" Adventist Book Center (ABC) has been...

Bible Study Group Spends Six Hours Debating Jesus’s Hairstyle, Fails to Reach Consensus

What started as a routine Wednesday night Bible study...

Father Insists Family Vacation to 3ABN Studios is ‘Just as Fun as Disney World’

WEST FRANKFORT, IL - Local Adventist father, Bob Wellman,...

Sabbath Observance

Pastor Claims Jacob’s Trouble Actually a Reference to His Unruly Teenage Son

Local pastor Wilbur Wheatley has proposed a novel understanding...

Daniel 2 Sermon Accidentally Predicts Winning Lottery Numbers

Pastor John Smith of the Peaceful Valley SDA Church...

Adventist Runner Disqualified from Marathon for Refusing to Pin on Number, Citing Leviticus

BOSTON, Mass. — An Adventist runner was disqualified from...