Adventist Bible Case Automatically Climbs to Top of Every Pile

OXFORD, England — A group of Adventist inventors has created a Bible case that automatically rises to the top of any pile. The new case, called the “Ascend & Defend Bible Case,” is made of Read more […]

“Will Ted Wilson be GC President until the Second Coming?” and Other Kosher Sabbath Lunch Conversation Topics

Been invited to Sabbath lunch but don’t know what’s kosher to talk about? Here’s a carefully vetted list of Sabbath-appropriate conversation topics: The merits of door-to-door evangelism: Read more […]

Trump Claims US is Going to Hell, Adventists Respond: ‘We Told You So’

In a recent speech, former President Donald Trump claimed that the US is “going to hell”, sparking a wave of responses from Adventists who believe that this is exactly what they have been predicting Read more […]

Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming And 12 Other New GC Departments Opening Today

The General Conference has gone on a hiring spree and is forming 13 new “essential” departments. Here they are! Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming: Regulating the length and style Read more […]

GC Creates Mega Unions Because Church Needs More Committees

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move that has Adventists everywhere scratching their heads, the General Conference has announced the creation of a new layer of bureaucracy to add to the already labyrinthine Read more […]

“Come, Thou Long Expected Conference Session” and Other Very Adventist Hymn Names

Ah, Adventist hymns. The perfect way to lull yourself into a peaceful Sabbath afternoon nap (or get riled up for that evangelistic campaign.) Here are some of our favorite Adventist hymn names (with Read more […]

Gwyneth Paltrow Encourages Ski Accuser To Join Her In Juice Cleanse

After winning a ski crash lawsuit, actress and wellness guru Gwyneth Paltrow is extending an olive branch to her accuser. Paltrow reportedly approached the man and offered to do a juice cleanse Read more […]