Adventist Couple Celebrates Freedom from Caffeine on Independence Day

LOMA LINDA, Calif. – While most Americans celebrated their nation’s independence on July 4th, the Johnsons of Loma Linda took the opportunity to commemorate a different kind of freedom – their liberation Read more […]

Adventist Man Accidentally Drinks Caffeinated Tea, Immediately Grows Tail

John Smith found himself in a hairy situation after accidentally sipping on a cup of caffeinated tea at a community event. The drama unfolded at a neighborhood gathering at Snoozeville SDA, where Read more […]

GC: Adventist Coffee Tables Must Be Renamed Hot Chocolate Tables

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has declared a radical rebranding of every Adventist coffee table across the globe. Say goodbye to those nefarious furniture pieces, because, starting Read more […]

Over-caffeinated Andrews seminarian thinks God crashed his car

ST. JOSEPH, Mich. — What was supposed to be a morning flaunt with a certain sinful caffeinated beverage turned into a lesson from God yesterday morning. Felipe Sucre was already running late Read more […]

Adventist Church exempts sleepy Ben Carson from caffeine ban

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an absolute first for the Adventist Church, world leaders have come to a majority decision to allow a caffeine ban exemption for the denomination’s most fatigued member: Read more […]

General Conference pays for Alamodome Starbucks employees’ vacation

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Employees of the Alamodome Starbucks stores are ecstatic over an agreement made with the Seventh-day Adventist Church. During the General Conference World Session, the Alamodome Read more […]