Microchips implanted in church employee foreheads, hands

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A church employee has a microchip implanted...
A church employee has a microchip implanted…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — “The process of implanting microchips in all full-time church employees is under way,” announced Larissa Lim, General Conference IT Innovations Director at the 2015 Global Adventist Internet Network Conference (GAiN) which was held exclusively online and concluded yesterday.

Lim explained that, in an effort to harness the possibilities of Radio-Frequency IDentification (RFID) chip technology, the world church has begun placing microchips just under the skin of employees on their right hands and foreheads.

She said that the new chips would allow for key-less entry into offices with a wave of the hand or simple bowing of the head. “Gone are the days of having to punch or swipe in for work, our chip scanners will take care of all that,” said Lim. “You’ll never have to remember pin codes for anything at work again — all of that info is stored on your chip.”

“We admit that there’s a little bit of very temporary pain as the chip is implanted but from there onward the advantages are great,” said Lim. “It shouldn’t hurt anymore than would a simple stapling of your hand or face.”

When asked if the chip implants had caused her any unwanted physical side effects, Lim said that she had not yet received her chips.  “I’m scheduled to have the implant as soon as we get done with beta testing on problem employees,” said Lim.

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  1. Ray Kraft

    Ah, yes, the mark of the beast comes first where we least expected it . . .

    Soon they’ll be implanting every SDA student, then every member, then every child of every member at birth . . . GPS will tell the GC where you are and what you’re doing 24/7 X 365.

  2. Richard Mills

    Big Brother is really watching YOU!! Will these chips be able to tell who is a tithe payer? a vegetarian? keeping the Sabbath correctly? doing un-morally wrong things? All of the above and more? Woe is me!!

  3. Candyss--Ann Fleming

    When will people realize that this is a satire site. It is a joke people. But some of you are so bitter it is sad. I pray that one day you all will take the plank out of your eye and see where you have gone wrong and make things right with God.

  4. ◘ UPDATE: Rumor around the Silver Spring headquarters is that the poor employee wincing in agony in the photo above (now identified as Mr. Ime N. Payne), has sued the General Conference for pain and suffering. He complained, “They told me it would only feel like getting a mosquito bite, but it felt more like getting a staple through my hand.” Since the “guinea pigs” turned out to be problem employees, he has also sued for cruel and unusual punishment. Another concern was invasion of privacy. “Now I’m even scared to use the restroom, for fear that someone might be monitoring my activities,” he groaned. He has already developed a bladder infection and is suing for medical expenses and counseling for a newly-onset stress disorder. He was last seen handing out tracts to other employees at the GC headquarters warning about receiving a mark in the hand or forehead. “I’m seriously thinking of becoming a ditch digger,” he quipped. “At least they can live in peace and sleep at night.” 🙂

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