“I initially struggled with the idea of having to publicly swear off BBQ ribs to take on the presidency role, but I grew up a 5th-generation Adventist and I realize that Oakwood is worth the sacrifice,” said the singer, adding that he has given much thought to the future of Oakwood since accepting the position as president.
“Although we have always been known for strong academics, I am looking forward to building on Oakwood’s legacy as the launching pad for just about every Adventist celebrity worth mentioning,” said McKnight.
“I got my start in gospel music and my early experiences at Oakwood are part of what later powered my career in showbiz,” said the artist, stressing that he wanted every student at Oakwood to be afforded the opportunities he had enjoyed. “My brother Claude was part of the original (a cappella group) Take 6 and since they also got their start at Oakwood one of my first moves will be to install the current Take 6 singers as my executive team as we chart a brave new course for our great school.”
Although he was expelled from Oakwood for breaking dormitory rules as a student, McKnight has long since gotten over the slight. “Oakwood is the only one for me,” said McKnight. “It feels good to be back at (square) one.”
NEWSFLASH – UPDATE: Not to be outdone by it sister institution Oakwood U., the executive board of Southern Adventist U. announced this morning that it has invited Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, better known by her stage name Katy Perry, to assume the presidency of Southern. “I’m so excited,” Perry gushed. “Although I’m not an SDA, I am qualified because I had limited exposure to secular music during my childhood and pursued a career in gospel music as a teenager.”
Word on the street indicates that Southern’s move was inspired by Katy Perry’s recent half-time performance in the Super Bowl. “With that kind of bravery and finesse, she will make an outstanding president,” assured Dr. Frank N. Stein, chair of the search committee. “What’s more, there’s no doubt she will be a great fundraiser. One benefit concert should be enough to fund the new Religion building.” What solidified the board’s decision was Perry’s tweet of a Bible verse before the show. Perry is slated to assume her duties as soon as current President Gordon Beitz steps down. There is no word yet as to when that will occur. “The wheels of bureaucracy turn slowy,” he declared with a twinkle in his eye. ☺
I would assume that President McKnight would also find a position somewhere in the college administration for Richard Wayne Penniman, better known by his stage name Little Richard. When I taught at Oakwood College (1975-1982), Penniman was often remembered as perhaps the most famous person to attend the college. Penniman gave up his early musical success to attend Oakwood College as a theology major, before again returning to the public eye to continue his musical career. Some would suggest a position in public relations, or even in the music department.
Information was leaked by an Oakwood administrator this evening: that “Little Richard” Penniman will, in fact, be appointed as Honorary Chair of the music department. The 82-year old will be transferred to a long-term care facility in Huntsville and will be allowed to perform most of his duties from his “home office” there. His first assignment will be to train the Aeolians to sing his 1955 hit song “Tutti Frutti” in 4-part harmony. The deal is contingent upon Little Richard donating $10 million to Oakwood. In return, he will receive an honorary Doctor of Humane Letters degree, and the music building will be renamed “Penniman Hall” in his honor. At a news conference on the steps of Ford Hall, Penniman said: “In my younger years I was in and out of Oakwood like a revolving door. This time, I’m here to stay.”
Wow!!! With all the exciting news at Oakwood and Southern, what about Loma Linda University? After all, LLU is within sights of Hollywood…
Don’t worry, Loma Linda is about to make a big announcement. It’s top scientists are hard at work inventing a genetically-modified form of Carob that will look, taste, and feel just like chocolate. A lab assistant accidentally leaked the details of the secret recipe: the cocoa plant was modified to have 1% carob genes. Although the product will be 99% chocolate, the package will say “Carob” in big print. The phrase “With Added Ingredients” will be in fine print. The “other ingredients” (chocolate) will be identified in microscopic white print on a white background. When asked if the approach is a bit misleading, researcher Sam Stout explained, “I’m a scientist, not an ethicist.” The new “carob” will be ready for mass production by next Valentine’s day and will be sold in an Adventist Book Center near you.
Another rumor circulating around Loma Linda is that President Barack Obama is in negotiations with the Loma Linda University board of trustees to take over as president and CEO of the university in 2017. The board is still debating whether to invite Vice President Joe Biden to become senior vice president. “His reputation for gaffes and Bidenisms is somewhat worrisome,” remarked board chair Laurel Cooper, who was concerned that Biden’s loose talk might affect financial donors. The chair also explained that Obama and Biden will be exempt from the policy requiring administrators of SDA colleges to be members of the church. As long as Obama and Biden are willing to publicly promote church values verbally, they will only be required to “talk the talk” and not “walk the walk.” “It’s a win-win solution,” chimed Dr. Cooper.
And let’s bring back the ghost of David Livingston Tigner to be president of PUC. David went on to become one of the greatest classical baritones, ever, right up there with WIlliam Warfield and Paul Robeson, and, sadly, died way too young.
But, by Zeus, what a magnificent voice! And what a good friend to so many.
I second the motion on David Tigner….what an incredible singer, person and roommate…I can still hear his voice as he walked around PUC campus singing with joy. I will always carry that memory with me. I hope it is still echoing around campus for those that can stop and hear.
I, too, recommend “Little Richard” to be a part of Oakwood. Great asset!!. “Little Richard” should be placed in charge of the Sunday services. Think of the tremendous credibility, scores of baptisms. Former SDA’s will flock to be re baptized. Get ‘er done!! Woe is me!
Absolutely! And lest anyone fear that Brian McKnight, Little Richard, and Katy Perry don’t have a master’s degree (much less doctorate), that’s an easy problem to solve. Oakwood and Southern can simply confer an Honorary Doctorate upon them. “That’s ‘Doctor’ ____ to you, sir” I can hear them say.
Wait…. Didn’t Justin Bieber attend PUC? No that Canadian college university place. Wait a minute– Didn’t PUC turn down the Carpenters back in the 1970s because their music was too wild?
One thing for sure, Justin would support Women’s Ordination. He has little patience for the silly games the GC is playing on that issue after reading http://goo.gl/UrpN5c .
This just in from the National Weather Service – Hell has just froze over!!
I was waiting on this type of response.
Please note that this “news article” is written with “tongue in cheek” for purposes of humor and satire. “All characters appearing in this blog (or comments) are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.”
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This is a fat lie! The president of Oakwood is Leslie N. Pollard and has been for the past few years. Brian McKnight should get over himself.
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