BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Mere weeks before the start of a punishing performance schedule, nativity play organizers at Pioneer Memorial Church have made the difficult decision to fire the pivotal Baby Jesus actor. The decision was made after multiple nightmarish rehearsals in which 3-month-old Seth Higgins screamed through the entirety of his time on stage at the Andrews University-based church.
“We understand that babies must be babies but this won’t work with the Christ Child screaming his way through ‘Away in a Manger,'” said Director Mandy Jenners. “You can’t really have a choir gently singing ‘The Little Lord Jesus/No crying He makes’ with the actor throwing a hissie fit in Mary’s arms.”
Jenners said that the decision to relieve little Seth of his responsibilities means that the play’s organizers are under enormous pressure to find a more mature replacement baby. “We’re done working with 3-month-olds,” said Jenners. She made a special appeal to parents of well-adjusted, self-soothing and reverent 6-12 month-olds, asking them to contact the church office immediately.
Jenners added that parents with babies who didn’t even make it through their dedication without tears need not apply.