Study Reveals: Adventist Church Members Under 70 Now Considered ‘Endangered Species’

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A new study has found that Seventh-day Adventist church members under the age of 70 are nearing extinction levels and should now be classified as an “endangered species.”

The study, conducted by researchers at Loma Linda University, examined demographic data from Adventist churches across North America over the past decade. Their findings paint a bleak picture for the future of the denomination.

“Adventist congregations are aging at an alarming rate,” said lead researcher Dr. Rachel Paulsen. “Our data shows that 82% of active church members in North America are over the age of 70. In some areas, that number is as high as 94%.”

“If things continue on this trajectory, we could see Adventist churches made up entirely of septuagenarians and octogenarians within the next 20 years,” warned Paulsen. “That’s not sustainable for any organization, religious or otherwise—I mean, have you tried to get a 90-year-old to learn a fancy drill sequence?”

Church leaders have acknowledged the crisis, promising “bold steps” to attract and retain younger members. Some ideas floated:

– Posting fire emojis after all the Scripture readings
– Paying young adults to come to church
– Promising young people they never have to contribute to potluck (they don’t anyway.)

However, longtime members seem resistant to change. “We can’t just abandon our biblical foundations to cater to the latest fads,” said 83-year-old church elder Harold Cummings. “Why, back in my day, we considered zippers too wild and risque!”

As aging members inevitably…well, age, the future of the Adventist church remains unclear. Paulsen recommends the church consider more aggressive conservation efforts: “At this rate, we may need to treat those under 70 like they’re endangered condors—maybe airlift them to a protected habitat somewhere and require them to breed in captivity.”


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