WASHINGTON, D.C. --- An independent panel of experts with nothing better to do have just completed an exhaustive reading of the recently-released Mueller Report and the most up-to-date edition of the Adventist Church Manual. After several hours of wading through legalese and regulatory language, the researchers confirmed that the Mueller Report was almost every bit as gripping as the Adventist Church Manual. The experts said that, straight from the outset, the cover art on both the Mueller Report and the church manual "promised hours of heartwarming reading and laugh-out-loud hilarity." Additionally, the team claimed that both volumes featured edge-of-seat excitement in their table of contents sections. The researchers said that it was not until the half-way point of the respective publications that the Adventist Church Manual pulled ahead by "simply going the second mile in sheer entertainment value for minute spent reading."