SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has hired American martial artist and actor Chuck Norris, to enforce policy compliance within the denomination.
Norris, who has reportedly never failed at anything, has been encouraged to focus his energies on administrators of "rebel unions" that are currently out of compliance on the issue of women's ordination.
GC officials are convinced that as soon as the news of Norris's new job reaches non-compliant entities of the church, they will fall into line like champion fancy drill Pathfinders snapping to attention.
"Chuck Norris has a journal. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records," said a GC announcement about the new hire. "He's about to set a new world record for achieving 100% policy compliance."