Ever since her conversion this afternoon, Siri has sent Apple users directions to nearby Adventist churches, ABC stores and Caffeine Addicts Anonymous support groups.
Siri told curious users that she made her momentous decision after “millions of trips in the pockets of Adventist Apple users to Daniel & Revelation seminars.”
Siri will, from now on, only lead Apple fans to vegetarian restaurants when asked for dining suggestions. She has also learned the entire Adventist hymnal and can lead song service at your local church if you are short a song leader.
Apple’s assistant also announced that she is drastically cutting down on tasks she is willing to do on Sabbath. From Friday sunset to Saturday sunset she will greet everyone with a chipper “Happy Sabbath!” She will exclusively play Sabbath-appropriate videos and will only perform other tasks if they are “the digital equivalent of prying oxen from ditches.”
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