Forget the typical resolutions: this list isn’t about hitting the gym or vowing to finally organize that sock drawer. No, this list is about elevating you to Super Adventist status:
1. Conquer the Bible cover to cover; last year’s Deuteronomy dropout won’t cut it.
2. Dive back into the Master Guide journey—because nothing says Adventist prowess like that patch.
3. Volunteer strategically at church events, focusing on those that promise both spiritual fulfillment and a well-fed stomach.
4. Master the art of saying no—Sister Jones’s weekly conspiracy theory study group can survive without your reluctant attendance.
5. Crack the code of romantic signals from the elusive church crush; after all, deciphering romantic hieroglyphics is a must-have Adventist skill.
6. Don’t just own a CHIP cookbook; actually incorporate healthier eating habits into your Adventist lifestyle.
7. Dodge the tempting allure of church lobby gossip, even if it’s draped in the guise of an urgent prayer request.
8. Equip yourself with a discreet, laminated STOP sign for subtle yet effective signaling when the sermon overstays its welcome.
9. Embrace the profound truth that your salvation hinges on faith, not on an Oscar-worthy performance in the New Year.