Adventist Review rates running shoes for End Times escape effectiveness

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — The entire Adventist Review staff spent last weekend trying on running shoes for a new monthly rating system that ranks shoes for End Times escape effectiveness.

The ranking has already proven controversial as staff members have vigorously disagreed on which brand and model provides the best chances for saints on the run.

“We all agreed that style points mean absolutely nothing when you are knee-deep in wilderness mud but beyond that we were hopelessly divided into Adidas, New Balance, Nike and Mizuno camps,” said Review spokesperson, Ko Riendo.

He said that late last night, after several senior editors pulled rank, there was finally consensus that the Adidas UltraBoost provided church members—regardless of fitness level—with the most hope in an apocalyptic exodus scenario.

In order to meet a severely tight publishing deadline the team delegated the remainder of the ranking work to a summer intern who, incidentally, was the only consistent runner on staff.

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