SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist scholars have embarked on what promises to be a challenging creative endeavor: publishing the first Adventist translation of the Bible. In contrast with Adventist biblical paraphrases like The Clear Word Bible, this publishing project aims to be an actual translation of original texts.
Lead Translator Matthew Cumbersome said that it had been his dream for years to have a Bible that “proved Adventists are right faster and more consistently.”
“What this correct translation of the Bible will allow us to do is highly significant,” said the translators in a prepared statement. “For starters, ambiguous passages about smoke rising from hell, Jesus eating meat or pretty much any reference to nose rings or other jewelry will simply be cut so as best to streamline the reader experience.”
The team has also tackled what they call “low-hanging fruit,” running a “Search and Replace” on any reference to “wine” and switching it to the more accurate term “Welch’s.”
“The more gratuitous violence in the Old Testament has become difficult to explain so we have decided to replace any war narrative with large pictures of friendly animals or guacamole,” said the team’s statement.
Opposition to the project has centered around the idea that the Church should not have to cut passages from the Bible in order to support Adventist fundamentals. “Details, details,” replied Cumbersome. “We already started the process with My Bible Friends, why stop now?”
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Finally – there is now a Bible I can read from cover to cover