Adventists rush to erect pagan moments in church before Christmas

“Support the BarelyAdventist team by joining our Patreon community or leaving a PayPal tip - it means the world to us.”

This will end badly...
This could end badly…
Adventist congregations across America are working flat out recruiting their best volunteers to erect huge monuments to paganism before the biggest deadline on the Christian calendar.

Although over-achieving churches started reporting enormous, brightly decorated Christmas trees dominating their stages as early as the Sabbath after Thanksgiving, many are woefully behind schedule according to twice-daily reports from a concerned church administration.

“We aren’t sure what possesses so many our churches to procrastinate on their Christmas tree assembly duties,” said Teensel Green, spokesperson for the General Conference office of Creative Expenditure. Green said that he had no sympathy for panicked associate pastors that have been calling his office with pleas for resources to assist with last-minute tree assembly.

He added that it wasn’t as if Adventists haven’t had time for other volunteer activities. “While Christmas trees across the country sit abandoned in dusty Adventist church basements, our members are swarming around lavish potluck tables and clocking up ridiculous hours practicing for Christmas cantatas. No wonder they’re late.”

Green lamented what he called “the sad fact that even the ancient pre-Christian barbarians of old were more punctual about erecting their pagan winter solstice trees than the average Adventist congregation.”



(Visited 1,268 times, 1 visits today)


  1. Peg Anne

    Well, I say, give credit where credit is due; at least the Adventist don’t participate in the Christmas, four weeks of Advent; better to have too much greenery than too many candles

  2. Kalvin Kline

    Sevvy, so you think Christmas trees are actually “pagan winter solstice trees from ancient pre-Christian barbarians”? Tell that to Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! I don’t think they’ll appreciate it.

    1. Mark O. Ruby-oh

      If I am elected, I will issue a decree that Donald Dump shall stick to his failing casino business, and Ben Carsinogen shall stick to his book sales, and both will stop making clowns out of themselves in politics. They are like fish out of water.

    1. Bill C.

      When I was in England as a Rhodes Scholar, I tried some Christmas trees a time or two, but I did not inhale. I swear I didn’t have relations with “that woman,” either, but it all depends on what the meaning of “is” is.

  3. Hugh Heifer

    Did you know Christmas trees were invented by a woman? Every real man knows that women rule the world. Husbands work their behinds off to support their wives, who glibly spend the hard-earned money on shopping sprees. Then these women have the gall to accuse their husbands of not being rich and successful enough. Or they put Hubby in the doghouse and withhold intimacy to get their way. And advertisers know that they need a seductive female to grace the picture of whatever product they are selling. There is no doubt about it: the world revolves around women, and they willingly “use” men to obtain money and security (which they call “love”). Marriage is little more than legalized prostitution–where men give money and “love” to get sex/cooking/washing/ironing, and women give sex/cooking/washing/ironing to get love/romance/money/security. It’s the biggest scheme and scandal in the world.

  4. Teddy Wilson

    “Green said that he had no sympathy for panicked associate pastors that have been calling his office with pleas for resources to assist with last-minute tree assembly.” That’s not true, and you know it, sevvy. It was actually the assistant deputy junior deacon.

  5. Carly Flouride

    Christmas trees are wonderful. They are green. They are tall. They are pretty. They smell nice. Unlike Hillary Clinton. She is neither green nor tall nor pretty.

    If Hillary wins the Democratic primaries, she will be the first woman ever to be nominated for president by one of the major political parties. Americans, for the first time ever, will truly have the chance to put a woman “in charge of the country.” That would be a major mistake (unless, of course, the woman is me: Carly “Flouride” Fiorina).

    “I may not be the youngest candidate in this race. But I will be the youngest woman president in the history of the United States. And the first grandmother as well,” Clinton said in her campaign kickoff speech in June, where she spoke of breaking the “highest, hardest glass ceiling” in America. Again, I say, voting for a woman would be a big mistake — unless that woman is me: Carly Flouride. I am like a Christmas tree: tall, green, pretty, and nice-smelling.

  6. Richard Mills

    Satire or not, those GC fellas better read the Adventist Home-pages 474-483. You will see that Christmas trees are allowed in the SDA church. Those who reject or want to rewrite the SOP, resist the Christmas trees and what this holiday stands for. It’s a wonderful in my SDA neighborhood. Feliz Navidad. Bon Noel. Happy Hannukah. Gonna go out and get me some non alcoholic vegan eggnog. Put some coins into the red kettle for the Salvation Army. Merry Christmas to all you naysayers. Woe iz me!!

    1. Mitch

      Confession: I once took pork hot dogs to an SDA church picnic and told everyone they were beef. Later I pulled out the Oscar Meyer package to ID them as pork and left it on the picnic table. It was low and dirty, but funny.
      Its all fun and games until someone gets hurt, then its just hilarious.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *