Although over-achieving churches started reporting enormous, brightly decorated Christmas trees dominating their stages as early as the Sabbath after Thanksgiving, many are woefully behind schedule according to twice-daily reports from a concerned church administration.
“We aren’t sure what possesses so many our churches to procrastinate on their Christmas tree assembly duties,” said Teensel Green, spokesperson for the General Conference office of Creative Expenditure. Green said that he had no sympathy for panicked associate pastors that have been calling his office with pleas for resources to assist with last-minute tree assembly.
He added that it wasn’t as if Adventists haven’t had time for other volunteer activities. “While Christmas trees across the country sit abandoned in dusty Adventist church basements, our members are swarming around lavish potluck tables and clocking up ridiculous hours practicing for Christmas cantatas. No wonder they’re late.”
Green lamented what he called “the sad fact that even the ancient pre-Christian barbarians of old were more punctual about erecting their pagan winter solstice trees than the average Adventist congregation.”
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Well, I say, give credit where credit is due; at least the Adventist don’t participate in the Christmas, four weeks of Advent; better to have too much greenery than too many candles
The Advent and hanging of the greens are not pagan, it’s Catholic. This article is proof of the infiltration of Jesuits into the GC at the highest levels, even the presidency. http://GCpapacy.weebly.com
TRUE. PAGAN IS NOT = TO CATHOLISISM.
Right; too many candles causes Romanism.
CHRISTMAS TREES ARE A NICE TOUCH IN A CHURCH.
Not in our mosque. It would be a curse from the devil.
Besides, Santa banned my country long ago and refuses to give toys to our children.
WELL,, YOU ARE FOOLS ANYWAY SO IT DOES NOT MATTER.
Quite a fitting name for the spokesperson for the General Conference office of Creative Expenditure, “Teensel Green.” Those green-tinseled fake trees are really handy.
The headline is funny: “erect pagan moments.” Are pagan “moments” easy to set up? Or are pagan moments more difficult to build than Christian “moments”?
Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t come to yours.
Not so. I forgot to go to my best friend’s funeral, but she still came to mine.
KEY WORD BEING, “ERECT”.
Sevvy, so you think Christmas trees are actually “pagan winter solstice trees from ancient pre-Christian barbarians”? Tell that to Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! I don’t think they’ll appreciate it.
It’s all about money. Trees are green, money is green. We tell the faithful to pin their Xmas offerings on the tree. Anything that helps us collect money is OK.
MECONIUM HAPPENS! AND IT IS USUALLY GREEN.
The churches should donate their “pagan winter solstice trees” to prisons, so the prisoners can have Christmas trees.
NO, PRISON IS PUNISHMENT.
If I am elected, I will issue an executive order to ensure that all Adventist members recognize that Christmas trees are, in fact, Christmas trees.
If I am elected, I will issue a decree that Donald Dump shall stick to his failing casino business, and Ben Carsinogen shall stick to his book sales, and both will stop making clowns out of themselves in politics. They are like fish out of water.
Don’t change the subject. You must be part of the liberal left-wing socialist media who always have an agenda.
If I am elected, I will make eradicate the vast right-wing conspiracy. Even Hillary Clinton has more foreign-policy experience than Ben Carson.
When I become President, I will ban anyone with a “Muslim” name from having a Christmas tree.
I HOPE SO.
I will also ban Orthodox Jews from having Christmas trees.
THATS A GIVEN, JESUS WHO?.
If I am elected, I will put a Fri-Chik in every pot, a car in every garage, and a Christmas tree in every church.
Bless Sevvy’s heart. He’s just trying to share a bit of holiday cheer.
Thanks for the explanation, Jimmy. At first I thought sevvy was the Grinch.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
MERRRRI KRISMAS EVERYONE.
GREAT!! WHO LET THESE GUYS IN???
“I never took a position on Christmas trees until I took a position on Christmas trees.”
When I was in England as a Rhodes Scholar, I tried some Christmas trees a time or two, but I did not inhale. I swear I didn’t have relations with “that woman,” either, but it all depends on what the meaning of “is” is.
hahaha
Did you know Christmas trees were invented by a woman? Every real man knows that women rule the world. Husbands work their behinds off to support their wives, who glibly spend the hard-earned money on shopping sprees. Then these women have the gall to accuse their husbands of not being rich and successful enough. Or they put Hubby in the doghouse and withhold intimacy to get their way. And advertisers know that they need a seductive female to grace the picture of whatever product they are selling. There is no doubt about it: the world revolves around women, and they willingly “use” men to obtain money and security (which they call “love”). Marriage is little more than legalized prostitution–where men give money and “love” to get sex/cooking/washing/ironing, and women give sex/cooking/washing/ironing to get love/romance/money/security. It’s the biggest scheme and scandal in the world.
“A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds such a man.”
Men are of no use except to catch roach bugs and rats and take out the garbage. They’re OK for changing flat tires, too.
IF MY WIFE WERE HILARY, I WOULD AGREE. YIKES!!
Even I like Christmas trees, and potlucks, and lots of Little Debbies. I’m not so hot about the choir practices, though.
Me too.
“Green said that he had no sympathy for panicked associate pastors that have been calling his office with pleas for resources to assist with last-minute tree assembly.” That’s not true, and you know it, sevvy. It was actually the assistant deputy junior deacon.
Now Teddy, you got that wrong. You know it was actually the associate to the assistant deputy junior deacon.
Just break out a bottle of Martinelli’s sparkling cider and get on with the holiday cheer!
I prefer Postum.
There too drn many trees in the world. This use thins them out a bit. Good!!
Well, I’m into environmentalism. They should make recycled paper out of the recycled fake Xmas trees.
Can I have a few of those fake Xmas trees to put as a roadblock in the middle of a certain infamous New Jersey bridge?
Spoken like a true Jesuit. http://GCpapacy.weebly.com
Pagans have all the fun.
No; Jesuits have fun, too.
Go drink some Postum and stop complaining.
Can’t we all just get along?
We will, if we’re lucky.
Christmas trees are wonderful. They are green. They are tall. They are pretty. They smell nice. Unlike Hillary Clinton. She is neither green nor tall nor pretty.
If Hillary wins the Democratic primaries, she will be the first woman ever to be nominated for president by one of the major political parties. Americans, for the first time ever, will truly have the chance to put a woman “in charge of the country.” That would be a major mistake (unless, of course, the woman is me: Carly “Flouride” Fiorina).
“I may not be the youngest candidate in this race. But I will be the youngest woman president in the history of the United States. And the first grandmother as well,” Clinton said in her campaign kickoff speech in June, where she spoke of breaking the “highest, hardest glass ceiling” in America. Again, I say, voting for a woman would be a big mistake — unless that woman is me: Carly Flouride. I am like a Christmas tree: tall, green, pretty, and nice-smelling.
With “that face”? I’d rather vote for Hillary, since she came to my wedding.
I ONLY WENT FOR THE WINE.
Tell me another one!
WHEN DID YOU COME OUT OF THE CLOSET JEB BUTCH?
That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ with it.
…the headline says “moments”
Satire or not, those GC fellas better read the Adventist Home-pages 474-483. You will see that Christmas trees are allowed in the SDA church. Those who reject or want to rewrite the SOP, resist the Christmas trees and what this holiday stands for. It’s a wonderful in my SDA neighborhood. Feliz Navidad. Bon Noel. Happy Hannukah. Gonna go out and get me some non alcoholic vegan eggnog. Put some coins into the red kettle for the Salvation Army. Merry Christmas to all you naysayers. Woe iz me!!
Merreee Kreeesmas! Woe is everyone!
When thinking about choosing church leaders wisely, the most critical decision-making begins with choosing the GC President. The current one could rightfully be called the GC Pope.
Confession: I once took pork hot dogs to an SDA church picnic and told everyone they were beef. Later I pulled out the Oscar Meyer package to ID them as pork and left it on the picnic table. It was low and dirty, but funny.
Its all fun and games until someone gets hurt, then its just hilarious.
THAT WAS LOW. FUNNY BUT LOW.
Not as low as what I did with those quaaludes pills.