BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Hundreds of students were seen standing in line outside the Andrews University Financial Aid Office this morning. The cause of the pile-up is what Financial Aid Officer, Rebecca Pengar has termed “indiscriminate student spending at yesterday’s International Food Fair.”
“Usually we have a happier end to the Food Fair,” said Pengar, referring to the annual event currently in its 51st year. She explained that with 18 different ethnic clubs and 83 different countries (including favorites Korea, Peru, Brazil, India and Haiti) participating, weaker-willed students had “simply caved in and spent up to half the semester’s meal plan at the event.”
Thousands of people attended yesterday’s fair with some traveling from as far away as Chicago to sample the culinary calendar highlight of Adventism’s most international educational institution. “Most people know their limits and have a good time at the food fair. These kids, on the other hand, can’t even pay for breakfast this morning,” she said, waving at the sea of humanity outside her office.
While Pengar’s colleagues are studying FAFSA guidelines to determine if emergency loans can be issued to student over-eaters, she told sheepish students that the approach was a “completely fruitless waste of time” and that they would simply have to face facts. “Call your parents and fess up, we can’t get you out of this one.”
Once again, a great work of fiction from the masters of parody and satire. But secret informants divulged that even the worst gluttons actually behaved themselves at the food fair this year. What really happened, according to unnamed and unknown sources, is that the students overspent ahead of April Fool’s Day, buying cards, balloons, streamers, and confetti. As the old saying goes, “A fool and his money are soon parted,” remarked Ms. Pengar. In response to the disaster, she is working with administration to cancel next year’s April Fool’s Day festivities and celebrations. “Enough is enough,” Ms. Pengar snorted. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!”
Don’t you know kids have spending power here in the US? As long as it wasn’t the few bucks I placed into the Andrews Offering this AM, I good on this one. The food was probably more tasteful that the stuff down at the cafeteria. I bet doggie bags were in great supply. Keep it up. Woe is me!!
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