Bernie Sanders Proposes Student Missionary Pay For All Americans

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AMERICA — Leading Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders made headlines today by pushing for Adventist student missionary pay for all Americans.

Claiming that the new universal salary scheme would “level the playing field,” Sanders said that paying everyone an ultra modest stipend seemed to work fine for Adventist student missions as Adventist colleges were “great at sending care packages to make up for the stuff you can’t buy on a couple hundred dollars a month.”

Sanders has added descriptions of these care packages to his stump speech, assuring crowds that student missions departments at Adventist schools would gladly train government departments on how to send Moose Munch popcorn, Skittles and a daily devotional book to every American household.


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