David Asscherick chosen as the new James Bond

We think he'll do great...
We think he’ll do great…
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. —- Months of speculation regarding who will play James Bond after the release of Spectre, the latest instalment in the franchise, have finally ended. Daniel Craig is bowing out. An Adventist former punk rocker and very talented skateboarder-turned-evangelist will take over. David Asscherick is the new Bond.

Asscherick said that he had notified creators of the series that he would only take the role if the Bond women, which draw fans like a magnet, were replaced by a single Bond woman. Asscherick will play a new kind of Bond that, in between skateboarding action scenes, takes a single Bond woman on a vespers date, verifies that she is a nurse and then marries her in a ring-less ceremony.

“We are shaking things up a little. Hollywood craves variety and we are going to deliver,” said Asscherick who is already practicing to make sure he is in top shape to successfully execute all of his own skateboarding stunts.

Asscherick has pushed back on Adventist critics who were quick to blast the idea of an Adventist Bond. “If we are going to reach more of the unchurched with the End Time message, there is no stronger vehicle than the Bond franchise,” said the evangelist.

Filming will take place in several countries around the world and will feature car chases in and through countless Adventist college campuses as well as emotional recoveries for the new Bond in brightly-lit, highly-vegetarian Adventist hospitals.

Asscherick added that he hopes the role will allow him to display the fruits of a healthy Adventist lifestyle as well as various practical survival skills any good Pathfinder already knows.

The name is Assherick, everyone, David Asscherick.

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22 Comments

    1. Ben Karsen

      Well, Ben Carson campaigns on Sabbath. He regularly participates in political events and gives stump speeches on Sabbath. I would nominate him for the James Bond actor. His more-relaxed attitude would be more appealing to the movie-going masses.

        1. IM PRETTY SURE HE HAS BEEN WALKING MORE THAN 1000 STEPS ON SATURDAYS, DRIVING AND MAKING THE ENGINE OF HIS CAR WORK ON SATURDAYS, I THINK THEY PICK UP TRASH ON SATURDAYS IN HIS SUB DIVISION. MAN THIS GUY IS BREAKING THE SABBATH BIG TIME, STONE HIM!

          1. It ain’t just his aides and robo-calling machines that are working on Sabbath; it’s Ben himself. He has a continual pattern of making political stump speeches, etc. on the Sabbath that he claims to keep holy, unlike a certain senator who did not campaign on Sabbaths. But more than that, Ben keeps making crazy comments that show he is out of touch with the reality of history, government procedures, and political science: http://www.cnn.com/2015/10/12/opinions/louis-ben-carson/

    2. James Pond

      Mr. Asscherick is not the right man for this role because the real James Bond did not wear glasses and was an avid gun-user, not a skateboard user. Nor did the real James Bond have a PG-13 name. A family-oriented web site like Barely Adventist should have been more careful to edit his name to be child-friendly, such as “Donkeycherick” (or at least “Ashcherick” as it is commonly pronounced by sanctified SDA tongues).

    1. James Pond

      That must be an outgrowth of the “New Theology” the Aussies are so famous for inventing. Watch out, Desmond Ford, Robert Brinsmead, and Edward Heppenstall, you’re going to be blamed for it.

    1. Tom Thumb

      Read it more carefully, brother Richard: “Asscherick takes a single Bond woman on a vespers date, verifies that she is a nurse and then marries her in a ring-less ceremony.” Woe is thee!

  1. Richard Mills

    What do I know!! I don’t frequent the movies. I’m a John Wayne, Maureen O’Hara, Abbott & Costello, Cisco Kid, Gene Autry, Roy Rogers, Mr. Rogers, Howdy Doody, etc. guy! Old School, you know? I accept the pox on my house.

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