GC orders tazering of Adventists who clap in church

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SILVER SPRING, Md.— In its most recent effort to eradicate clapping from Adventist congregations, the General Conference headquarters of the church has taken to supplying churches around the world with taser guns.

According to a crisp set of bolded and underlined instructions, the tasers are to be used on “the growing number of irreverent rabble-rousers in our churches that have taken to applauding special numbers and even particularly striking sermon segments.”

GC Director of Amen Ministries Sapht Lee Walker has started a taser boot camp where deacons and elders will be trained in the fine art of shocking congregants with insane amounts of electricity in the most reverent manner possible.

To pay for the the tasers, all tithe and offering envelopes will be updated with a line that, somewhat cryptically, will read “Shock Ministries.”

As, even at the General Conference, there was some pushback to spending millions of dollars simply to reduce church clapping, alternative uses for the tasers are being suggested.

“A quick burst of electricity will wake any sermon sleeper up,” said Walker. “No matter how bad the preacher is.”

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  1. Kaleb

    I fear if the deacons take to using tazers for folks sleeping thru a sermon the pastor may find several walking out to find the nearest restroom and building exit. Who will want to return to a wet pew? Then on the other hand, pacemakers could malfunction. Hope each church has a current medical report on each member AND visitor.

  2. Bah-Humbug!! Who’s gonna pay for these tasers? The local church? The Conferences? The taser industry will be booming with this action. Think how many are needed for some of the SDA Camp Meetings? Will they be used at the next GC Conference? What about the Pathfinder Camporee with 50,000 people yelling & screaming, stomping their feet and clapping their hands? Maybe they should be used on the pot luck cooks!! Eat a bunch of Little Debbies or you will be tasered!! See my lawyer!!

  3. BillyPulpit

    To ensure the highest quality of construction and reliability of operation, the tazers will be manufactured by “Vege-Lante Justice”, makers of the voting devices used at the last GC Session in San Antonio.

    The included instructions require the deacon or whoever is operating the tazer to shout, “Be healed!” as the tazer is deployed on the offending congregant who dares challenge the unity of church practice.

  4. Ray Silversmith

    First, the word is “tazing,” not “tazering.” Second, this is the biggest bowl of croc I’ve ever heard. Do you realize how stupid this makes us look? Because half of the people who read it won’t have any idea that it’s a lie. A big fat, ugly, raunchy, stinky lie of falsehood, fiction, and fairy tales. FAKE NEWS is lies, not humor. He who misleads a blind person shall be lost. Whatever money you get from advertising on this site, is it worth deceiving half the world? He who misleads the blind shall be lost.

  5. Confused in Iowa

    I used to be a procrastinator. I joined Procrastinators Anonymous, but nobody ever came to the meetings because we all said “I’ll wait till next week.” (Never do today, what you could leave to tomorrow.)

    Then I became a workaholic. I joined Workaholics Anonymous. But none of the members ever showed up to the meetings because we were all too busy working.

    Just sayin’.

  6. Jack Frost

    Although I’m not an evolutionist, I strongly believe in the Big Bag Theory. My wife comes out of Macy’s with a big bag full of expensive merchandise, and then I notice my bank account is drained. . . .

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