How to Survive a Church Board Meeting

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If you’ve ever been to a church board meeting, you know that it can be a long, grueling experience. But fear not, here are some tips on how to survive:

Bring snacks: Lots of them. A bag of chips, some popcorn, maybe even a whole pizza. Trust us, the board members will appreciate your generosity and your ability to keep them fed.

Wear comfortable clothes: There’s no need to dress up for a church board meeting. In fact, sweatpants and a t-shirt are the way to go. You’ll be sitting for a while, so you might as well be comfortable.

Bring a pillow: Again, you’ll be sitting for a while. Make sure to bring a pillow to rest your head on when you start to doze off.

Bring a stress ball: When the discussion gets tense, it’s important to have an outlet for your frustration. A stress ball can help you vent your anger without getting kicked out of the meeting.

Play a game on your phone: If you can’t stand the discussion, why not distract yourself with a game? Just make sure your phone is on silent, or you might get caught.

Bring a fake agenda: Make your own agenda that includes things like “discussing the best potluck dishes” or “planning a church-wide game of capture the flag.” When the real agenda gets too boring, suggest an item from your fake agenda and watch the chaos unfold.

Pretend to take notes: Even if you’re not actually taking notes, just look like you are. No one will question your participation, and you’ll have something to doodle on when the discussion gets dull.

Invent a secret language: Come up with a secret language with a friend beforehand, and use it to communicate during the meeting. It’ll make the meeting feel like a game of espionage.

Start a rumor: Whisper a juicy rumor to someone nearby, and watch as it spreads around the room. Just make sure it’s harmless and won’t cause any real harm.

Pretend you are an anthropologist. Observe everyone sitting around you. What is their body language telling you? Make up a story to go along with it. Keep it to yourself!

Challenge the rules: Question every rule and decision made during the meeting, no matter how insignificant. It’ll keep things interesting, and who knows, maybe you’ll uncover a hidden agenda.

Have a secret (water) drinking game: Take a sip every time someone says “committee,” “budget,” or “voted.” You’ll be bathroom-ready in no time at which point you:

Take a bathroom break: If all else fails, just excuse yourself to the bathroom and stay there until the meeting is over. No one will notice, and you’ll be able to avoid all the boring discussion.

With these tips, you’ll be able to survive any church board meeting with ease. Good luck, and may the snacks be ever in your favor.

 


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