Indulgences line added to tithe envelopes


ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist tithe envelopes are being reprinted to include a line for indulgences.

A General Conference statement explaining the new “giving opportunity” said that it had been added to ensure that Adventism “more fully resembles the medieval Catholic church.”

GC Director of Power Hoarding Gimmee Gimmee said that although a lot of progress had been made as far as centralization of power was concerned, the GC “still has a long way to go before it can attain the lows of the Vatican in the good old days.”

Gimmee said that faithful payment of indulgences would absolve members of the most Adventist of sins such as forgetting to renew your subscription to the Adventist Review or being chronically to Sabbath School.

The new Adventist indulgences are the only tithe envelope line item that comes with a physical reward.

Anyone that faithfully pays their indulgences for 13 Sabbaths in a row will be given a pin bearing the Adventist logo. This will confer special privileges such as preferred church parking and a “Get Out of Jail Free” card that allows the owner to skip up to seven committee meetings per quarter.

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  1. Sharon

    And printed in every bulletin will be a new, er, “responsive reading,” as follows:

    Hail Ellen, full of quotes. The Ted is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst ordained women, and blessed is the fruit of thy pen, Red Books. Holy Ellen, mother of authoritarians, pray for us, now and at the policy meeting, Amen.

  2. Four Scriptural facts about tithe paying…………………………
    1. The Lord Jesus Christ would have tithed of His income. This one is false. The Lord Jesus Christ was a carpenter by profession and then after He became 30 years old He was a preacher and teacher. Neither of these professions was required by the Law of Moses to tithe anything.

    2. Simon Peter, originally a fisherman, would have tithed of the fish that he caught. This one is false also. Fishermen were not required to tithe anything either. There were only two kinds of professions in ancient Israel that were required to tithe. Farmers and husbandmen (shepherds and cattle herders) were the only tithers in ancient Israel. They only tithed the food they produced.

    3. Everyone in the Old Testament seeking to obey the Law of Moses would have tithed. It should be evident by now that this one is false also. There were many people with other professions who were not required by the Law to tithe. For instance, the apostle Paul being a tent-maker was not required to tithe. In fact, none of the Twelve apostles would have been tithers because none of them came from the required professions.

    4. Abraham tithed to Melchizedek in the same way that believers tithe to the Lord Jesus Christ. This one is false also. Abraham’s tithe was very different than what the Church practices today. For instance, Abraham only tithed once. The Church tithes continually. Abraham tithed of the spoils of a war. The Church tithes of its income. Abraham had no increase because he gave the other 90% of the spoils of the war back to the original owner. The Church tithes of its increase. There is no commandment or any logic or indication in the New Testament that believers are to tithe anything to the Lord Jesus Christ. Believers are to give generously as God blesses them and whatever is in their heart according to Paul (2 Corinthians 9:7, 1 Corinthians 16:1-2)

    This list has six more entries.

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