Lawmakers Demand to Know Kavanaugh’s Stance on Carob

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THE question…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Lawmakers spent the bulk of today’s confirmation hearings grilling Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh regarding his views on carob.

The politicians took turns asking Kavanaugh about the positively disgusting vegan chocolate substitute, seeking assurances that, if confirmed, he would use his Supreme Court influence to get the substance classified as inedible.

Kavanaugh said that he had only tried carob once (Ben Carson allegedly gave him a bag of carob cookies to snack on during the confirmation hearings) and that he would “never make that mistake again.”

Although he guaranteed those present that he would be an impartial judge, rising above partisanship, Kavanaugh said he would do all in his power to “free America from the greatly disappointing taste of carob, starting with removing any hint of it from ABC stores.”

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