Pastor Installs Big Guilt Button in Pulpit

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In a move that has garnered both confusion and consternation from his congregation, Pastor Jeb Caseload of the Soyburg Seventh-day Adventist Church has installed a large red button labeled “GUILT” in the pulpit of the church’s newly-renovated sanctuary.

The button, which stands nearly a foot tall and has a diameter of six inches, is hard to miss from any pew in the 400-seat auditorium. According to Caseload, it will serve as a vital tool in his sermons going forward.

“You can’t effectively preach truth without making people feel sufficiently guilty about their sins,” said Caseload. “This button is going to be a real game-changer to drive the message home every week.”

As the deacons passed the plates down the rows, Caseload monitored the donations with a critical eye. When the plates returned to the front appearing only half full, his brow furrowed with dissatisfaction.

“Is this it, Soyburg?” he shouted, his voice laced with indignation. “Is this meager offering reflective of your commitment to the Lord’s work?”

Without hesitation, Caseload raised his hand and brought it crashing down on the guilt button, triggering deafening buzzers and flashing red strobe lights throughout the sanctuary.

Caught off guard by the sensory assault, congregants shrank in their seats under Caseload’s glare. A chorus of groans and gasps rang out as the guilt button’s effects took their psychological toll.

“I put in a $20 this week, the most I could after the medical bills,” said long-time member Gertrude Fillmore, eyes welling with shame. “But seeing the button’s wrath, I’ve never felt like more of a cheapeyed wretch to the Lord.”

Even the church’s generous benefactors were not spared the button’s judgment. “We give $2,500 every month without fail,” said millionaire member Buck Napstor. “Yet having that paltry amount so mercilessly spotlighted has me wondering if we’re holding back kingdom resources.”

After roasting the congregation for several minutes straight, Caseload finally killed the noise and strobing with a flick of the switch. In the unsettled silence, it was evident the offering rebuke had left most members sitting in puddles of spiritual inadequacy.

The remainder of the congregation was quietly plotting how best to accidentally fry the wiring of the guilt button beyond reasonable hope of redemption by next Sabbath.


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