Report: Fights over potluck remnants threaten to fracture Remnant

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There wasn't enough Special K Loaf to go around...
There wasn’t enough Special K Loaf to go around…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Escalating tensions within the Adventist Church are the subject of a new report which claims that fights over potluck remains are in danger of fracturing the denomination.

“Our members are typically in a happy, excited mood when they first line up for potluck,” said General Conference Director of Event Refereeing Nutha Lokin. “The trouble starts when over-eager types start going up for seconds and thirds.”

Pointing to official statistics showing a dramatic uptick in fellowship hall shoving matches, Lokin urged potluck coordinators on the local church level to do a better job of making sure there was enough veggie lasagna and tofu scramble to sufficiently feed the faithful.

Lockin also urged church deacons and elders to vigilantly watch for shameless freeloaders who “refuse to transfer their membership just so they can leverage visitor status to skip potluck lines and never contribute a dish of their own.”

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  1. Yo, Hartmut-you musta been to my church pot luck last week! Not much left. Slim pickins’. A few desserts and some punch. Not very nutritious. Visitors were visibly upset!. Me, I went home to fix a few PB & J ( all natural, of course) sandwiches ( whole wheat grain multi grain) and 4 Little Debbies and washed them down with 2 glasses of whole milk. Come on down next Sabbath for more SDA pot lucks, if you dare!!

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