NEW MARKET, Va. — Shenandoah Valley Academy has unveiled a major change to its campus map: Phanstiel Hall, the boys’ dorm, is relocating. Administration announced to students, parents and alumni that Phanstiel Hall will be moved further from the girls’ dorm, Hadley Hall, “to make room for the Holy Spirit.”
SVA spokesperson Verena Lam explained that the impetus for the move came from the constant need to remind clingy student couples to “make room for the Holy Spirit.” Academy staff is exhausted from over-use of the time-honored Adventist line and many feel that it has done little to curtail student couples’ displays of affection.
Lam claimed that although the move will be a strain on school finances, it will “help safeguard young romances” and keep students focused on spiritual development. She appealed to alumni to help finance the move. “All alumni donors will be given a say in where to locate the new dorm,” said Lam. She added that additional funding could come from “bumping up tuition a tad.”
At a townhall meeting called to discuss the dorm relocation, Lam pushed back on suggestions that the move would incur unnecessary expenses for the school. She stressed that any move that minimized the distraction of the opposite sex and encouraged focused soul searching at such a formative age, was well-advised.
“Besides, we all know that 95 percent of academy relationships are doomed the minute one party arrives at a college campus and discovers a little thing called options,” said Lam.