JERUSALEM – In a discovery that has rocked the biblical archaeology world, researchers from Seventh-Dig Adventist University have unearthed startling evidence that appears to solve the mystery of how King Solomon met his ultimate demise.
For years, scholars have speculated about what ultimately felled the famously wise but polygamous monarch, with theories ranging from death by snakebite to being crushed by the sheer weight of precious stones adorning his many robes and headpieces.
But in a startling turn of events, excavators digging just outside the ancient City of David have discovered what they believe to be Solomon’s skeletal remains buried under a mound consisting of no less than 700 ornately carved wooden yokes.
“Based on the positioning of the bones amid this remarkable pile of marriage yokes, we can say with high confidence that King Solomon met his end by being crushed alive under the overwhelming burden of his marital commitments,” said Dr. Orpah Tash, lead archaeologist on the project.
Each yoke in the heap was elaborately decorated with the symbol of two oxen joined together.
“The yokes, intricately carved from olive wood and bearing inscriptions in various languages, apparently served as a nightly reminder of Solomon’s numerous vows. Experts believe the sheer physical weight of the yokes, combined with the logistical nightmare of nightly tuck-ins, contributed significantly to the king’s demise.
“This is a cautionary tale, folks,” said Rabbi Pinchas Goldstein, a prominent relationship counselor. “While God may have blessed Solomon with wisdom, the monarch clearly lacked in the common sense department. Maybe 700 was a tad ambitious, even for a king.”
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