Zoom Bans Adventist Committee Meetings For Taking Too Long

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Video conferencing giant Zoom has notified Adventist congregations and institutions that they will no longer be able to use their accounts for committee meetings due to their “unreasonable duration.” 

Zoom said that Adventist committee meetings are causing the service to slow and even become unavailable in Adventist high-density areas including Silver Spring and Berrien Springs.

“Adventist committee meetings pop up all over the world with frightening consistency,” said Zoom. “User data suggests that little gets done in these meetings as they are often rescheduled for the same time the following week.” 

After sending analysts to observe Adventist committee meetings, Zoom has made requirements for changes that must be agreed upon before the service will allow them back on:

1) Meetings should be kept under an hour.

2) Talkative members who clearly have come to socialize will be given a warning after their first ramble, they will then be muted. 

3) Nobody is allowed to quote more than a paragraph from any volume of Testimonies.

4) Pre and post meetings simply can’t take place on Zoom.

5) Prayers must come to the point in under 60 seconds and must conclude in 90.

6) Arguments over music, potluck or theology are banned.

7) The sharing of conspiracy theories will result in automatic expulsion from the meeting. 


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