SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Wearing jeans to church now comes with serious consequences.
As of this Sabbath, denim wearers will automatically be handed reflective vests and sent into the church parking lot to direct traffic.
"If you turn up in jeans we will just automatically assume that you were counting on spending most of the service outdoors," reads a bulletin insert that all churches have been ordered to distribute.
The consequences get even more dire if you happen to arrive on Sabbath morning with strategic tears in your jeans.
Every tear or sign of distress in your denim immediately signs you up for another month of church bathroom cleaning duty.