SILVER SPRING, Md. --- "We're saying this now so that you have time to get refunds on flight and hotel bookings," announced General Conference spokesperson David Israel to a flock of shocked Adventist News Network reporters. "Pursuant to Old Testament best practice, General Conference senior leadership has decided to establish a benevolent monarchy to govern over our world church."
Israel explained that because a monarchy would eliminate the need for "expensive and divisive elections," this July's San Antonio-based General Conference session had been canceled. "We are at a critical time in our history as a church and now, more than ever, we need stability," said Israel. "If we were to hold the elections as originally planned, the potential change in leadership could undo the valuable progress we have achieved over the last five years."
Sensitive issues such as the debate over women's ordination, due to be discussed and voted upon at the General Conference Session, would instead be decided by General Conference-appointed experts, explained Israel. He emphasized that this process shouldn't take long as "everyone has already made up their mind."
Israel said that senior leadership positions from Vice President level and up are now permanently held by the current leadership team. "In order to remain faithful to the customs of Old Testament courts, a kingly crown and other royal regalia will be bestowed upon leaders during a modest, half-day coronation ceremony," said Israel. "The prior title of GC President will simply be shortened to 'King' while lesser executives will be referred to as 'princes, scribes or footstools.'"