Church leaders cancel General Conference Session elections, declare monarchy

GC leaders have defended the use of a crown and other insignia as sanctioned per Old Testament royal custom
GC leaders have defended the use of a crown and other insignia for church leaders as sanctioned per Old Testament royal custom.
SILVER SPRING, Md. — “We’re saying this now so that you have time to get refunds on flight and hotel bookings,” announced General Conference spokesperson David Israel to a flock of shocked Adventist News Network reporters. “Pursuant to Old Testament best practice, General Conference senior leadership has decided to establish a benevolent monarchy to govern over our world church.”

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Israel explained that because a monarchy would eliminate the need for “expensive and divisive elections,” this July’s San Antonio-based General Conference session had been canceled.  “We are at a critical time in our history as a church and now, more than ever, we need stability,” said Israel. “If we were to hold the elections as originally planned, the potential change in leadership could undo the valuable progress we have achieved over the last five years.”

Sensitive issues such as the debate over women’s ordination, due to be discussed and voted upon at the General Conference Session, would instead be decided by General Conference-appointed experts, explained Israel. He emphasized that this process shouldn’t take long as “everyone has already made up their mind.”

Israel said that senior leadership positions from Vice President level and up are now permanently held by the current leadership team.  “In order to remain faithful to the customs of Old Testament courts, a kingly crown and other royal regalia will be bestowed upon leaders during a modest, half-day coronation ceremony,” said Israel. “The prior title of GC President will simply be shortened to ‘King’ while lesser executives will be referred to as ‘princes, scribes or footstools.'”

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  1. Richard Mills

    Are we now to address certain GC leaders as “Your Highness”, “Prince”, “Sir Knight”, etc? I liked addressing these leaders by Pastor, Elder or in some cases, by their first name-Ted, Dan, Mike. By the way, on the first day of any job, your name is “Hey, You”!! I really am in a dither. Woe is me!!

  2. “Please note that all characters appearing in this report, including any comments thereupon, are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, and/or humor.” Happy April Fools Day!

    But, again, there is a grain of truth within the humor: “Sensitive issues such as the debate over women’s ordination” are not worth discussion at the session because “everyone has already made up their mind.” Why waste time discussing it when they are not open-minded? They should just have the vote, without any discussion, because nothing is going to change their mind.

  3. Eli Flynn

    This story is fake! Here is WHAT REALLY HAPPENED: Ted Wilson announced his resignation as GC president effective August 1; but Ted Cruz could wait until then. Rather, Ted Cruz took over the GC presidency today through a military-style coup d’état led by a troop of Pathfinders armed with the “sword of the Spirit.” The wild scene in Silver Spring, MD was reminiscent of the Boston Tea Party. Upon ascending Ted Wilson’s former throne, Sen. Ted Cruz immediately appointed his former secular presidential running mate, Dr. Ben Carson, to be the GC Secretary of Health and Senior Vice President of the General Conference. Their first official act in office was to beatify Mrs. White as a Saint. She is now known as “St. Ellen of Battle Creek.” Now you know The Rest of the Story. Get your facts straight next time!

  4. JC

    Are you really Christians?, please, let God clean and do as He promised, remember David and Saul, remember what happened with people who made fun of some leader in the past?, please please if you call yourself a christian, please change the subject, look to your personal life because the salvation is in Jesus

    • Phil Stanley

      JC, This site is just a joke for good clean fun, yea a bunch of B.S. (Baloney Soup) just for laughs, which is cool especially on April Fools Day. Laughter is the best medicine. Helps to relieve stress. No need to take offense.

  5. C. Lesko

    I know that this is put out in fun, but do you really think that making fun of our Church structure is what God would want you to do? All churches are imperfect- even the best. Christ had a Judas in His midst. But I would ask you if you still believe the words of Daniel 2:21? God is still in control of His Church, both ours and others. Our world is rushing headlong towards the time of Christ’s Return. In my lifetime I’ve never seen such a hunger for the Word. Some of us have a ministry in handing out Adventist books in a major U.S. city. The books are taken in remarkably short periods of time. We’ve been hailed down by passing cars asking for a book. That certainly was not the case when I was a child. We need to expend our time and energy doing what Christ calls us to do.

    • John Davis

      Lighten up, C. Lesko. They weren’t making fun of the church structure, they were just trying to get an innocent laugh out of you. Is it a sin to tell a joke? Didn’t you read the disclaimer? “Please note that all characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report,’ including any comments thereupon, are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or incidents in the present or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, or comedy. If you do not find the stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or perhaps to check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

      Your work handing out books is admirable. As for your reminder that “we need to expend our time and energy doing what Christ calls us to do” (and the implied warning that this blog is an evil waste of time), why did you waste time reading this blog? Why did you waste more time writing a comment on it? Why are you wasting even more time reading this reply? Your time could have been sold and the money given to the poor.

  6. Mote

    Not funny at all. “Good laughter is good medicine” does not really define what’s been presented. There is a fine line between a “good laughter” and a “humor or parody”. The content of the blog is a little sensitive therefore I suggest we stop putting up sensitive issues on the net before the world takes that as another reason to degrade our faith. Especially in a critical time like this. And trying to use a circular calendar such as the “fools day” which is very much not Biblical to create a fuss that just might be the next wrong impression on someone’s mind. Be considerate before throwing anything that might give a wrong impression about our faith. Remember it’s not about how we see it but how the non-advantist world see it. And John Davis your way of justifying your statement is very narrow. It’s simply states that you have a shallow understanding of “practical evangelism.”

  7. Realtruth

    You mentioned the woman ordination thing as the reason for cancelling!!Add to that the progress of ENFORCING of Structural adjustment programmes(mdgs)!The UN gave the Adventist Church millions for doing their job!!Lol..Did we say when Government &church gets into bed together there will be persecution &loss of life!!Look what happened when SDA church and Hitler Shacked up!!A whooping nearly 26 mill. people died!!. So how many will perish with structural adjustment programmes (MDGs)?if around 26 million was only in ONE(Germany ),hoe many millions this time as we are talking about MANY developing countries ? country

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