La Sierra declares war on Southern, adds marriage to graduation requirements

La Sierra's last single graduates...
La Sierra’s last single graduates…
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — “Oh no they didn’t!” were the first words out of Adventist marketing analyst, Val U. Genysis after hearing the news that La Sierra University’s administration has decided to make marriage a requirement for graduation from the institution.

“Make no mistake,” said Genysis, “Today’s La Sierra announcement represents an aggressive takeover bid of the Adventist college marriage industry historically dominated by Southern Adventist University.”

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Genysis stressed that the only Adventist school that “traditionally has given Southern a run for its money in the marriage department is Walla Walls so La Sierra is clearly aiming to disrupt the Adventist landscape by forcing its students to marry before graduation.”

La Sierra officials, for their part, are framing the move as a natural next step for the school: “We have romantic weather, we are close enough to the coast to easily host beach weddings and, quite frankly, we have the best looking kids so there is no reason we shouldn’t corner the Adventist marriage market,” said La Sierra spokesperson Hasta la Victoria.

She said that while La Sierra was the only Adventist school recognized by the prestigious Money magazine in a recent list of the top 50 US colleges and universities for adding value to students’ education, the school was “not satisfied by mere worldly praise.” Victoria said that in making marriage a graduation requirement, La Sierra is determined to show that “with us, education isn’t over until we hear wedding bells.”

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  1. I like the clever names for the marketing analyst, “Val U. Genysis” and the La Sierra spokesperson “Hasta la Victoria”! Maybe LSU should focus more on implementing the findings of the Value Genesis study rather than fighting “until victory” over Southern.

    In the good old days, SAU was called “Southern Matrimonial College” and many of the pretty young coeds were reportedly more concerned about an “Mrs. degree” than a B.S. degree.

    I don’t know about LSU’s alleged “plan” to require marriage prior to graduation, but LSU certainly has a leg up over SAU in terms of not making a big issue over rings. SAU is one of the few Adventist colleges that still enforce hefty monetary fines for the horrid “offense” of wearing any ring other than a wedding or engagement ring. Just sayin’.

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