“I swung that bag like David’s sling,” said Greenley. “I had just stocked up on tracts at my local ABC so I was armed and ready. That’s how Adventists slay people in the spirit.”
The incident was captured in its entirety on video by Greenley’s 11-year-old great-grandson who was just emerging from the store as Sutherland began to threaten Greenley. The tween instantly uploaded the video which went viral before Sutherland even reached Loma Linda Medical Center. Sutherland left the hospital in the custody of local law enforcement with eight stitches to his forehead.
For her part, Greenley has announced that she will be opening a self-defense class at the Green Oaks Senior Center. She has promised to demonstrate how students can defend themselves from any attacker using veggie food from the frozen food aisle of any mid-sized supermarket.
Following the foiled attack, Greenley and her friends command a whole different level of respect around Loma Linda and the greater Riverside area. They are said to have inspired fear and trembling in the hearts of local petty theft enthusiasts. The word on the street is to stay away from anyone over 90 with a King’s Heralds sticker on their walker.
Asked what her secret was to living a long and secure life, Greenley said, “The Okinawans have Karate, the Sardinians have the Mafia, my knitting group and I — we stay off the hooch and carry cans of Big Franks.”