SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Taking his cue from the recent move by Pope Francis to excommunicate Italian Mafia members, General Conference President Ted Wilson made a sweeping announcement today disfellowshipping all Adventist mafia families effective immediately.
Wilson is said to be especially targeting crime families in areas of high-density Adventist populations.
"I want to send a strong message to Adventist mafia both near and far that time's up on their shenanigans. No more shady volunteering as Church Treasurer only to rob the World Church. No more jacking up the prices of camp-outs for our little Pathfinders. No more offering appeals for your five-star hotel mission trips to Maui."
Wilson said that he was "drawing a line in the sand" and that he would seek to make an example of American offenders before disfellowshipping perpetrators across the Adventist world.
The president's office will sending embossed "STATUS: DISFELLOWSHIPPED" certificates to organized Adventist crime families in the Loma Linda/Riverside areas as well as several Berrien Springs units, a few Collegedale offenders and select healthcare execs across the sprawling networks of over-priced Adventist hospitals.
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