Adventist church nappers to face mandatory rebaptism

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Candidates for baptism.
Candidates for baptism.
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Claiming that Sabbath morning church services are starting to resemble a mass slumber party, Adventist church leadership announced formal punishments for repeat church nappers: Adventists found napping will face mandatory rebaptism.

“We are happy to overlook the first offence, but repeat snoozing in church is on the rise and congregational participation levels have taken a serious plunge,” said GC Director of Member Surveillance Nestor Cansado. He added the only logical sleep deterrent would be “the threat of a plunge into the baptismal pool.”

Cansado added that as this form of rebaptism would hold no symbolic spiritual significance, churches could dispense with formalities like robed attire or warming up the baptismal water.

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  1. I don’t agree with adventists napping during the church service but who are they to say that they will punish those who are napping in the church? I think they too need rebaptism! You don’t enforce but rather rubuke people in a sermon. Let them come to God willingly, don’t control!

  2. Larry

    The preachers that put us to sleep are the ones that should be re-baptized. All the victims (audience) should be armed with Nerf guns and use them when the sermon is extra boring and longer then 10 minutes.

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