Adventist Church to approve women’s ordination as soon as sexism is eradicated worldwide

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — “We may well ordain women as pastors one day,” said General Conference spokesperson Desmond Redford at a press conference held this morning. “We just want to make sure that men and women are viewed as equals in every major culture before we go and do anything rash.”

Redford’s comments accompany a GC statement released today. The statement explained that the Adventist church has not said that female ordination is unbiblical but that the practice was currently prohibited in order to preserve global church unity.

“The world church will only take action on this matter as a united front. We will officially sanction female ordination as soon as we all are in favor of having female clergy,” read the statement.

“Passions run high on this topic and everyone knows that we we can’t risk upsetting the global status quo by going against centuries old culture,” said Redford to journalists assembled. “This issue requires patience on both sides. In the meantime women are free to run Cradle Roll and plan all the potlucks they want.”

Asked whether he thought that global cultural consensus on gender equality would be achieved this side of the Second Coming, Redford announced he would be taking no further questions and concluded the press conference.

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  1. We already have over 320 women pastors, including more than 120 in North America. These female pastors preach, pray, baptize, perform weddings, and lead a church. Many women pastors hold a “commissioned” credential since the GC voted to allow it in 1990.

    Some of these female pastors have been recognized in a “commissioning service” complete with prayers, Scripture readings, a sermon, a charge, and even the laying on of hands. The ceremony has an eerie resemblance to an ordination ceremony, but don’t worry, it’s not the same thing. (Sorry, Shakespeare, you were wrong about “a rose by any other name. . . .”)

    The “commissioned” credential is fine, but the “ordained” credential is evil. Haven’t you read that in the Bible? It’s explicitly stated in Hezekiah 3:16 (“Thou canst commission thy female pastors but verily thou shalt not ordain them, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.”) (Other favorite verses include “God helps those who help themselves” [Hez. 3:2]” and “Cleanliness is next to godliness” [Hez. 3:5].)

    In sum: “Yes, Virginia, there really is a place for a woman in the ministry. She can serve as a pastor, as long as she doesn’t have an ordination certificate hanging in her office.” Surely, even the blind can see the logic in that! In fact, it’s just as logical as saying: “You can live with your fiancée but you can’t marry her.”

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