GC: Natalie Portman Can Be Commissioned But Not Ordained As New Thor

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has weighed in on the Marvel Studios announcement that Natalie Portmam will play Thor in the upcoming franchise installment “Thor: Love and Thunder.” Read more […]

Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Adventist Michael Ryan for moderating GC Women’s Ordination Debate

OSLO, Norway — In a surprise announcement, the Norwegian Nobel Committee has announced that for the first time a Seventh-day Adventist has been awarded the much-lauded Nobel Peace Prize. Explaining Read more […]

Unions reclassified as “General Conference Puppet Ministries”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Faced with several unions around the world that are creating regional rules regarding issues such as women’s ordination, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists Read more […]

Emotional GC vote confirms horse and buggy as only Adventist transport

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — After decades of earnest study and impassioned debate on the issue, Adventists voted overwhelmingly today to uphold the church’s stance on the horse and buggy as the sole Read more […]

Alamodome on lockdown following women’s ordination vote until both sides hug it out

BREAKING NEWS SAN ANTONIO, Texas — General Conference Session parliamentarians have announced an absolute lockdown of the Alamodome at GC San Antonio until the delegates who have just voted Read more […]

Slide show: 28 Fundamental Reasons Adventists Should Ordain Women

If you are anything like us, you may be dealing with information overload with all the arguments for or against women’s ordination. To help illustrate the issues we thought a little slide show about why to ordain women would be in order.

Aging male delegates handpicked to fairly represent male dominance at GC Session

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — “We are satisfied the deck is sufficiently stacked with gray heads and testosterone,” said General Conference Session logistics spokesperson Sonny Viejo to Adventist reporters Read more […]

Adventist Church to approve women’s ordination as soon as sexism is eradicated worldwide

SILVER SPRING, Md. — “We may well ordain women as pastors one day,” said General Conference spokesperson Desmond Redford at a press conference held this morning. “We just want to make sure Read more […]

All women’s ministries directors must be male

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A new worldwide target has been set by Adventist Church leaders. All officials with a Director of Women’s Ministries title will be required to be male. The deadline Read more […]