Adventist courtship expert claims prolonged eye contact causes pregnancy

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UNITED STATES — A high-profile Christian romance speaker and author of courtship classic I Kissed Eye Contact Goodbye is touring Adventist colleges and academies warning students about the positively devastating consequences of prolonged eye contact.

Justa Seino is crisscrossing the country striking fear into the hearts of young Adventists as she claims that “too much eye contact torpedos you down a slippery slope to pregnancy.”

The Adventist courtship expert refuses to speak to groups unless they are separated by gender with an impregnable aisle running down the middle.

Seino suggests that young Adventists restrict their romantic activities to carefully chaperoned vespers dates in which participants keep their eyes glued to the stage and don’t so much as brush elbows.

She encourages Adventists to save eye contact for marriage: “There will be plenty of time to stare at your spouse from across the bedroom on your wedding night.”

Until then, Seino invites young Adventists to stare at their feet and guard their footsteps.

At time of publication, Seino is immersed in research to discover how to meet potential life partners without looking them in the eye.

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  1. Larry Muth

    This is welcome news. When I was a student in 1960 the president of PUC told us at assembly that holding hands caused pregnancy. So therefor holding hands was prohibited. I am really relieved that it was eye contact. I’m sure glad that eye contact doesn’t leave DNA, at least I hope not, so I don’t have to support all those pregnancy’s I must have caused.

    1. Judy Wright

      Eye contact? Holding hands? Really now. The venerable Miss Martin, dean of girls at Lamson Hall, Andrews University, was quite sure pregnancy was caused by young ladies wearing open-toed sandals because “seeing toes makes young men think of babies.”

  2. Gina Noirot

    I am so glad I am no longer a part of this crazy religion. I have found a faith in a God who is not this small minded. The best part of it is that I can look any one in the eye & have no fear of becoming pregnant!

  3. Staci

    Wow! I’m amazed that someone could even come up with this. I know that wanting kids to abstain from sex before marriage is important, but eye contact? Really?!? Let’s be adult a and get serious please.

    1. Jenny

      Oh but don’t you know that Pokémon supports theories of evolution, and thus is a product of non believers. Young Adventists must never invoice themselves with such things.

    2. Jenny

      Oh but don’t you know that Pokémon supports theories of evolution, and thus is a product of non believers. Young Adventists must never involve themselves with such things.

  4. Mort

    Holding hands, eye contact, open toed shoes, osmosis, according to SDA rules mythology, all cause pregnancy. But the worst are sleeveless dresses, they are the most dangerous. Adventist boys and especially male leadership are turned on by arm pits and very much by unshaven pits

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