Adventists: “Raptured” Evangelical Really Just Snatched By Federal Agents

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PORTLAND, Ore. — Adventists in the Pacfic Northwest have done their honest part to point out that local Evangelical, Agah Peh, widely assumed to have been raptured yesterday, had simply been snatched by over-eager federal agents in downtown Portland.

Peh, who had joined local protestors during his lunch break, had not returned to his conference call in the early afternoon, alarming colleagues.

By early evening, Peh, who friends swore didn’t have a bad bone in his body, was being reported as “raptured” by local FM station Uplifted.

Unwilling to take a hit to their eschatological credentials, Peh’s Adventist friends in town organized a search party, vowing to leave no stone unturned until they could prove “the right reading on the whole thief in the night thing.”

Shortly before midnight, an unrelenting Masterguide saw Peh being released from an unmarked van while being ordered to restrict his lunctime activities to quiet consumption of Chipotle burrito bowls.


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